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Not in Love with Him
November 4, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
i HAVE KNOWN A GENTLEMAN FOR 4 MONTHS, WE HAVE SPENT ALMOST EVERYDAY TOGETHER, EXCEPT FOR 2 WEEKS WHEN i WENT ON VAC. SINCE THAN I HAVE SEEN HIM AGAIN EVERYDAY SINCE AUGUST.
HE REALLY IS VERY GOOD TO ME AND WANTS TO SEE ME EVERYDAY. i HAVE TO HAVE SOME DAYS TO MYSELF AND HE AGREES BUT SAYS HE GETS DEPRESSED AND MISSES ME.
HOW DO I TELL HIM I NEED SPACE. i WAS MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS AND DIVORCED FOR 3 YRS NOW I DID NOT DATE BUT JUST A FEW TIMES. I HAVE MY OWN HOME AND HE DOES HELP ME WITH PROJECTS AND IS VERY GOOD ABOUT THAT. BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM, BUT DO HAVE A GREAT TIME AND LOVE THE ATTENTION HE GIVES ME.
HOW DO I HANDLE THIS IN A VERY NICE WAY WITHOUT HURTING HIM OR LOSING SOMEONE DEAR TO ME?
You have two different questions: how can you help him to give you the space you need; and how can to tell this man that you don't love him and still not lose the relationship.
As for the first question, it sounds like this man is a bit needy. He seems to be using you to boost himself up. When you aren't around to prop him up, he becomes depressed. I am sure that he isn't aware of his problem. If he were aware, he could work on resolving his dependency, and would become less clingy, thereby resolving the problem.
I'm not sure that he's ready to look at himself so the only other thing you can do is to take your space in a way that doesn't attack his ego. You might talk in general terms about the fact that no two people have matching needs for alone time. In fact, a common cause of incompatibility is differing space needs. If you can get him to understand that your need isn't about him--you enjoy him and his company--but simply about who you are, maybe he will feel less hurt, rejected, and depressed. As for the second question, about not loving him,
I wonder why you feel the need to go there. It's not as if he's making love declarations himself or pressing you to declare your love. If he's happy being your friend and companion and isn't pressing you to say you love him, then why make an issue out of something that may not be an issue for him. If and when the issue comes up you can deal with it then.
I suspect that you are afraid that he loves you and that he is forming false hopes about your feelings for him. This may be true, but again, I would be inclined to wait until he makes this an issue. Then you can talk to him in a gentle way, just the way you did about your space needs. Before you speak to him you need to be clear on where you're coming from. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Do you want to eventually date other men and fall in love again? Do you think there is a chance that you could come to love this man?
Once you are clear on where you stand, then you can talk to him in an honest way. You can talk about how wonderful and lovely he is and then discuss your inability to go farther in terms of your own limitations--perhaps because you are enjoying your newfound freedom too much, or perhaps because you are scared to give your heart ever again. To protect him from harm, remind him what you like about him, what you enjoy about your connection, then speak your own feelings, or lack thereof, in a truthful way.
He may surprise you and say that he's all right with loving you even if you don't love him back. You won't know until he brings the issue up and all your cards are put on the table. Until then, enjoy what you have. It sounds nice.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show