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Is My Girlfriend Lying To Me?
November 11, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
I'm 43 year-old male who's been looking for a new female companion. It's been 2 year since my last relationship and I feel over that now. I met a woman about a month ago and see here everyday on her terms. I don't get her phone #, she says she lives with here aunt on an estate. I know of another exboyfriend who lives in the same town as this presumed aunt.
I pick her up and drop her off each day, at a local spot in town. I feel she lives with this ex friend because I know his address. She is always walking to or from that general area (Same Street). And not from where she says her aunt lives. Her dialog however is always refering to her aunt. When I tried to confront her in a way that I just wanted the truth, she became very angry at me and said she was not F**king him and she lived with her rich aunt. I told her I don't mind where she lived but just wanted her to be honest.
I found the guys phone number on the net by the address. I called it from a phone booth and she answered the phone and I hung up. I am tring to ignore this and to believe her but it tears me up inside everyday. How can I get her to tell me the truth or I feel she should want to do that on her own when it's the right time and to just let things take there course for now. that 's it for now and thanx for being out there. . .
Wondering how to get her to tell me the truth
You ask how can you make your girlfriend tell you the truth: You can't. I'm not saying that only 'you' can't. No one can make a person do anything she or he doesn't wish to do. And, the more you try to push her, the more she will dig her heels.
Some times people lie to protect themselves from real or imagined harm. LyingA lie (also called prevarication, falsehood) is a known untruth expressed as truth. A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive...(Click for full definition.) in this case is a type of avoidanceAvoidance is a method of dealing with conflict that attempts to avoid directly confronting the issue at hand. Methods of doing this can include changing the subject, putting off a discussion until...(Click for full definition.) defense mechanism. This defense is born in childhood as a result of being raised by an abusive parent. The child learns to lie in order to avoid a punishment or beating. Lying soon becomes a way of life; and as adults, they continue to lie to avoid real or imagined punishment. Of course, the lying always back fires, as all defense mechanisms do. Instead of protecting the self from harm, the liar actually ends up getting into even deeper hot water. He/she may avoid a punishment in the moment, but when the lying is found out, the punishment is 10 times worse.
Sometimes people lie because they are sociopaths who have no conscience at all. A lack of conscience is also the result of early upbringing: that person was either raised by a sociopath and/or was never taught right from wrong or helped to be accountable for his/her actions.
Now your girl sounds like she is not just lying to avoid a punishment. She sounds to be without moral fiber.
The larger issue here is that you seem willing to remain in a relationship with a pathological liar. You have to ask yourself why you want to continue a relationship with someone you can’t trustMutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common purpose. More comprehensively trust defined as "the willingness of a party (trustor) to be vulnerable to the...(Click for full definition.).
I have the impression that the struggle you are having with this girl replays a childhood wound of your own. If you are interested in figuring out what that wound is, then ask yourself: Why am I drawn to someone that lies to me? We have a clue to the answer in your remark: 'I tried to ignore the signs that she is lying. . . ' This sentence says you know she is lying but want to pretend that she isn't.
Do you know why your mind wants to talk itself out of what it knows is the truth?
Think back, and I suspect you will recall experiences during your childhood in which one or both of your parents lied to you, didn't keep their word or double-talked. If I am correct, you hoped against hope that one day they would finally be honest or come through. And, because their behavior hurt you so much, you tried to make the pain go away by ignoring reality. But, no matter how much you hoped for better or ignored reality, that parent continued to snow you, just like this girl does.
Unfortunately, as with all repetitions, our minds choose people who are damaged in exactly the same ways that our parents were, so that we never obtain the better outcome we desperately desire. In this case, it sounds like this girl is a liar and no matter how much you hope and pretend, she is still not going to be any more truthful with you than the person who let you down when you were young. You can't make a leopard change its spots and you can't make a liar stop speaking with forked tongue.
I'm sorry. I know how strong the wish is to rewrite history with what I call a Happy Ending. The only way any of us can rewrite our histories with that better ending is to consciously choose people who are different from the parents that disappointed us. When you are ready to choose a healthier partner, then you will have the feeling of safety and trust that you so desperately desire and deserve. My book Till Death Do Us Part will show you how to heal your wound so you will be free to move on and find a partner who is faithful and true.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show