Dear Dr. Love,I'm 43 year-old male who's been looking for a new female companion. It's been 2 year since my last relationship and I feel over that now. I met a woman about a month ago and see here everyday on her terms. I don't get her phone #, she says she lives with here aunt on an estate. I know of another exboyfriend who lives in the same town as this presumed aunt.I pick her up and drop her off each day, at a local spot in town. I feel she lives with this ex friend because I know his address. She is always walking to or from that general area (Same Street). And not from where she says her aunt lives. Her dialog however is always refering to her aunt. When I tried to confront her in a way that I just wanted the truth, she became very angry at me and said she was not F**king him and she lived with her rich aunt. I told her I don't mind where she lived but just wanted her to be honest.I found the guys phone number on the net by the address. I called it from a phone booth and she answered the phone and I hung up. I am tring to ignore this and to believe her but it tears me up inside everyday. How can I get her to tell me the truth or I feel she should want to do that on her own when it's the right time and to just let things take there course for now. that 's it for now and thanx for being out there. . .
You ask how can you make your girlfriend tell you the truth: You can't. I'm not saying that only 'you' can't. No one can make a person do anything she or he doesn't wish to do. And, the more you try to push her, the more she will dig her heels.
Some times people lie to protect themselves from real or imagined harm. Lying in this case is a type of avoidance defense mechanism. This defense is born in childhood as a result of being raised by an abusive parent. The child learns to lie in order to avoid a punishment or beating. Lying soon becomes a way of life; and as adults, they continue to lie to avoid real or imagined punishment. Of course, the lying always back fires, as all defense mechanisms do. Instead of protecting the self from harm, the liar actually ends up getting into even deeper hot water. He/she may avoid a punishment in the moment, but when the lying is found out, the punishment is 10 times worse.
Sometimes people lie because they are sociopaths who have no conscience at all. A lack of conscience is also the result of early upbringing: that person was either raised by a sociopath and/or was never taught right from wrong or helped to be accountable for his/her actions.
Now your girl sounds like she is not just lying to avoid a punishment. She sounds to be without moral fiber.
The larger issue here is that you seem willing to remain in a relationship with a pathological liar. You have to ask yourself why you want to continue a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
I have the impression that the struggle you are having with this girl replays a childhood wound of your own. If you are interested in figuring out what that wound is, then ask yourself: Why am I drawn to someone that lies to me? We have a clue to the answer in your remark: 'I tried to ignore the signs that she is lying. . . ' This sentence says you know she is lying but want to pretend that she isn't.
Do you know why your mind wants to talk itself out of what it knows is the truth?
Think back, and I suspect you will recall experiences during your childhood in which one or both of your parents lied to you, didn't keep their word or double-talked. If I am correct, you hoped against hope that one day they would finally be honest or come through. And, because their behavior hurt you so much, you tried to make the pain go away by ignoring reality. But, no matter how much you hoped for better or ignored reality, that parent continued to snow you, just like this girl does.
Unfortunately, as with all repetitions, our minds choose people who are damaged in exactly the same ways that our parents were, so that we never obtain the better outcome we desperately desire. In this case, it sounds like this girl is a liar and no matter how much you hope and pretend, she is still not going to be any more truthful with you than the person who let you down when you were young. You can't make a leopard change its spots and you can't make a liar stop speaking with forked tongue.
I'm sorry. I know how strong the wish is to rewrite history with what I call a Happy Ending. The only way any of us can rewrite our histories with that better ending is to consciously choose people who are different from the parents that disappointed us. When you are ready to choose a healthier partner, then you will have the feeling of safety and trust that you so desperately desire and deserve. My book Till Death Do Us Part will show you how to heal your wound so you will be free to move on and find a partner who is faithful and true.