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Man Whose Fiancee Wants to Kiss Other Men
November 2, 1998 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I hope you can help me. My fiancee want to make out with other guys. I feel that it would be cheating but she sees nothing wrong with it. She told me I should let her do it now or if I didn't our marrage wouldn't last long. She knows it hurts me deep inside, but she keeps bringing it up. She got the idea from one of her friends whose fiancee lives in arizona. She has been'making out' with people and sugested that my fiancee should do the same thing.
I don't know what to do. I love her very much and I don't want to lose her.
Can you help????
You are being emotionally blackmailed. When your fiancee says, "Either I kiss other men or our marriage won't last," the message to you is: I will do as I please or your "you know what" is grass. How do you expect to have a relationship with someone who doesn't care about how you feel? If she behaves this way before the wedding, brace yourself Brigitte for what you will be put through afterwards! The real problem here is the way she issues commands and threats. If you want to solve the smooching subject, you must first tackle the larger issue--how she hands down edicts. If you don't address this larger issue, she will continue to treat you in the same miserable way around other issues as well. To address this larger issue, you have a couple of choices. One way is to describe her upsetting behavior and then tell her how it lands with you. To do this, you could say, "When you tell me that you are going to kiss others, whether I like it or not, I feel unconsidered." The above approach works with someone who wants to be responsive to you. I don't have the impression that your fiancee fits in that category. And, if you were to use the above approach with her, you would probably be told, "Who cares how you feel; like it or lump it." When dealing with a partner who doesn't seem to care about how you feel, you need to use an approach that helps the other person develop consideration for your feelings. One way to do this is to ask a question that inserts your feeling. For example, "Should I be feeling unconsidered?" or "Should I be feeling threatened--that if I don't put up with what you're doing, you'll be gone?" or "How do you think I feel when you tell me like it or lump it?" These questions are designed to help someone develop some partial identification with another person's feelings. If your partner is emotionally fragile, uncaring or unwilling to see how she comes across, then the above questions will be met with, "I don't care how you feel." If that's the kind of response you think you will receive from her, then the only other option left is confrontation. That is, you need to confront her with a description of her unacceptable behavior. A confrontation sounds like this: "When you tell me that you are going to do as you please, and I can like it or lump it, you are showing no consideration for my feelings." The advantage of the last approach, is that the person cannot argue with the truth (unless he or she is completely off the wall). When you factually describe the upsetting behavior, and explain the message that the behavior communicates, she will be forced to look at herself in the mirror and see the truth. So, those are your options. Bottom line, we need to have your fiancee develop partial identification for your feelings, right now! If she doesn't respond to your attempts, then you have some serious decisions to make regarding whether you want to move forward with this relationship. If she doesn't change now, before you're hitched, you will have a much harder time getting her to respond to you afterwards. I hope, for your sake, that she can become capable of consideration. If that's the kind of response you receive, then the only other option left is confrontation. That is you need to confront the other person with description of their inappropriate behavior. That sounds like this: "When you tell me that you are going to do as you please, and I can like it or lump it, you are showing no consideration for anyone's feelings but your own." The advantage of the last approach, providing a clear behavioral description is that the person cannot argue with the truth (unless he or she is completely off the wall). When you play back the behavior in a factual way, and state what the behavior communicates, the other person is forced to look at himself in the mirror and see the truth. So, those are your options. We need to have your fiancee develop partial identification for your feelings right now! I suspect that you will be forced to use the final approach with her. Bottom line, if she doesn't respond to you, then you have some serious decisions to make regarding whether you want to move forward with this relationship. The time is now. And, if she doesn't change now, before you're hitched, you can forget her changing afterwards. Good luck, I hope she's willing to see what she needs to see.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Syndicated Radio Host
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