Dear Doctor, I am writing this out of immense pain, and I need you to help me.
I am a 20-yr old college student torn between 2 different friendships and whatever I choose to do is seemingly disastrous.
I have known this girl JJ for a long time and she is absolutely the sweetest person I have ever met. We got really close this year and she is simply someone, in the past half a year, who made me a better person. That is the only way I can put it for you.
Earlier this year, after going to a hockey game with her and a few friends of mine, I found out that I have hopelessly fell for her.
I was about to ask one of my best guy friends, BT, what I should do - when he told me that he is in love with JJ. At that moment I simply swallowed what I was about to say.
I thought about it a lot that night and decided to help my friend out, simply because I thought he had a higher chance than I do, and he is a more deserving person.
Even though I helped a lot, created chances for them to be alone, in the end she said no to him.
Yet I can tell that she said no simply because she is afraid of a relationship (past experience was too painful). But deep down I know she likes him, and now they are as close as two persons can be.
Watching them spending time together everyday is a living torment for me. For the whole time my affection has not weakened. But even though BT failed, they are practically a couple as they spent almost every minute together.
Naturally then I have become secondary in her life. She still cares about me, but I could have had much more.
I am not mad at neither of them, and I know I should not be mad at myself. But I am so envious that I can't bear looking at them anymore.
All I wanted is a close friendship with her. I never thought I would'get her 'to begin with but I found out that what I really need is being her best friend.
I see all this in the relationship between JJ and BT and I can't help but think that 'I could have been just like this '.
But I really wanted my friend BT to be happy and I know that he is right now with her, and so is she with him. But I am not, and I can't say a word to neither of them.
If I tell BT he would never trust me again, and if I tell JJ she would be devastated. I don't want that to happen, but I really can't bear the pain anymore.
I can feel that I am losing her because they are getting closer everyday, and she wants to spend time with him only. She still cares for me, but it's a passing concern.
I cannot tell her how I feel because I love them both, and anything I do will be potentially disastrous.
I have been telling myself to get over it but I can't - I am simply very envious and pained by the thought that I lost her through a hopeless circumstance.
I wanted to alienate myself from them but I couldn't, simply cuz I still really love her. Sorry for this awfully long and winding email, but please help me. . . .