- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Long Term Relationship on the Rocks
February 26, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr. Turndorf,
I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, and things have slowly gone downhill.
I love my boyfriend very much but for some reason I no longer have a desire to have sex with him or even kiss him passionately. My desire to be intimate with him ceased quite a few years ago and his frustration has now reached the boiling point - understandably!
What is wrong with me? I feel that I can't make myself have sex with him just to keep him happy. . . Help please!
You say you love your boyfriend very much, but that you suddenly stopped desiring sex with him a few years ago. You also say that you have no understanding of why this shift has occurred.
Since you've been with your boyfriend for 5 years, almost 6, that would mean that you stopped desiring sex with him between the second and third year of your relationship.
What I am about to say is going to shock you, but keep an open mind because I believe I do understand what has happened to you. The fact that you have no conscious understanding of why your sexual desire for your boyfriend has disappeared means that the reason why is unconscious. Keep in mind that most of what we humans do and say in life is driven by unconscious, not conscious, motivations, so it's not surprising that your problem would be fueled by an unconscious issue.
What's happened to your drive can be explained by the unconscious minds' tendency to turn our life partners and spouses into our parents. A'mother or father transference' usually occurs around the second year of a relationship. At this point in the relationship, a couple will suddenly begin experiencing problems and/or conflicts that never existed before. The reason for this is because the unconscious mind has turned the partner in a parent and suddenly all the unresolved issues that you had with your parent have resurrected with your partner!
Suddenly you're fighting and feeling miserable and you don't know why. I suspect that your unconscious mind has turned your boyfriend into your father.
Because society has strong incest taboos, it would make sense that you would suddenly lose your sexual feelings for your boyfriend, who now represents your father. I've treated many patients who have experienced what you describe. Don't despair. We can resolve this.
In order to do so, you must get in touch with your normal and natural feelings of attraction for your own father and you must come to accept them. One way that I can help you to accept your feelings of attraction for dad is to explain the incest taboo to you. The incest taboo was created precisely because attraction for family members is universal.
If people acted upon the attraction, however, families would be torn apart and society would cease to exist. The incest taboo was only intended to stop people from acting on their desires for family members.
But because most humans don't separate feelings from actions, the incest taboo has mistakenly been extended to feelings in general. Not separating feelings and actions is the real problem. Feelings aren't bad or good, wrong or right. Actions may be bad or good, wrong or right, but not feelings. Feelings are like the wind. You don't say the west wind is good, the east wind is bad. When you make a clear distinction between feelings and actions it is then all feelings are safe and acceptable. Then and only then can you feel incestuous urges and know that it's fine to feel them because you will never act upon these urges.
When the distinction is clear, you are free to feel. Being free to have all your feelings, including the incestuous ones is the salvation of the human race. It makes us alive and capable of love and joy. All emotional problems and symptoms can be traced back to not allowing oneself to feel.
In your case, not accepting your incestuous feelings for your father, results in sexual frigidity with your boyfriend. The only way for you to resolve the problem with your boyfriend is to truly accept the feelings you had for dad and feel comfortable with them. Then you will magically reclaim your desire for your boyfriend!
Let me know how you make out. . . . and I do mean that literally because I want to hear that you are making out and making love with him again soon.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show