Long Distance Lovelorn

Dear Dr. Love,

I am hoping that you can help me. I have been in a relationship with a guy for several months, and things up to this point have been going very well. Since the start, we see each other frequently, talk every day, etc. We have had our arguments, but nothing really serious.

The problem is that a few weeks ago, he got transferred for his job to a city not too far away (reasonable driving distance) for a great promotion, and he claims that this is not a permanent move. I wasn't thrilled about this because my previous realtionship had been long-distance except for the weekends, and it wound up being a horrible experience in the end (cheating and lying on his part).

I really care about this guy, and I want to give it time, but ever since he has moved, he really seems to be distancing himself from me more and more. His calls have been becoming less frequent, our dates have been shorter than normal, but, when we do talk, he still seems to care (saying that he misses me, wishes I could be there, hates to go bac k, etc. etc. ).

I am a true believer in actions speaking louder than words, however, and his actions seem to tell me that he doesn't really care about me except to go out occasionally on the weekends. I am not desperate for him - I am an attractive, young professional that does not have trouble attracting men, but I would like to see if this relationship has a future.

Any advice??

Answer: 

Dear Long Distance Lovelorn,

I hear how worried you are that you might lose this man. In reality, this guy has already abandoned you by taking the promotion. He never discussed it with you and simply took the transfer.

That move said a lot about his level of commitment to the relationship. When a person wants to maintain a relationship, he or she discusses all decisions that will have an impact on that relationship. Instead, he made a one-sided decision and you are left to like it or lump it.

This man may actually be too emotionally damaged to form an intimate connection with another person. My consultation Is He Ready for Love? will thoroughly assess him and tell you if he has emotional baggage that stands in the way of a relationship. If he's not, then I'll give you concrete steps to take to address his issues with him and set his healing in motion.

At this point, I am not very encouraged about your current relationship. He is treating you like a pot that 's been left on the back burner. You can ask this guy if you should feel concerned that he is pulling away emotionally. See what he has to say. See if he changes his behavior. If he isn't willing to demonstrate his caring and commitment to you, I think your decision will be made for you.

Now, to return to you. I noticed that what you are experiencing now has happened to you once before. A man took off on you, then lied and cheated. In your heart, I think you know that a pattern is occurring.

Whenever a repeated pattern occurs in our love lives, it is necessary to take time to examine why such a pattern is occurring. I have said before that whenever you find yourself in the grips of repeated pattern, you can be sure that it is being fueled by a childhood wound (repeating childhood wounds in our adult relationships is called the repetition compulsion).

The unconscious mind does this so that it can work for a happy ending. I wonder if you were left or abandoned when you were young. I say this because there seems to be a pattern here in which you establish relationships with men who take off and leave you hanging. See if you can find a parallel from your childhood. If you find one, then, we can assume that your mind is hoping that this time around the abandoner will stick around and love you--that 's your happy ending.

Here's the tragedy of the repetition compulsion. We rarely achieve our happy endings--at least not through such repetitons. Why? Precisely because we choose lovers who are similar to the parents that let us down when we were young. Hence, our lovers are limited in the same ways that our parents were and therefore unable to give us the emotional goodies we need. And, in the end, we simply get hurt again.

Point being, a leopard isn't going to change its spots. As long as you date abandoners, you will be abandoned. I know you may be thinking, but I didn't know my boyfriend was an abandoner.

It is said that the unconscious mind knows everything. And when the unconscious mind is on a healing mission, it will recognize abandoners like nobody's business! In fact, your unconscious will draw you to such flawed individuals like a moth to a flame.

I am not saying this to blame you. Instead, I want you to become aware that we are all drawn to lovers who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down. In fact, this similarity ignites us with hope. 'Maybe this time, I will get my dad's or mom's love. ' So, we overlook the warning signs and plunge in, hoping to heal the old wound.

Rather than guess, use my Psychological Check-Up to identify whether a childhood wound is causing you to choose abandoners, and if so, follow my recommendations for healing your wound. I know it will be painful if you have to give him up. And, there will be loss and hurt feeings to heal.

But, you do not deserve to be treated as you are being treated now. If it turns out that you decide to give this man up, I want you to keep your eye on the horizon. Be aware of the urge that is driving you to repeat your old abandonment wound. When you find yourself becoming attracted to another person, watch for signs that he is also an abandoner.

Make sure to use my consultations, Create a Mate, which will help you define the right partner for you; Critical Questions to Ask Before Getting Close, to make sure that you have, in fact, found the right partner and aren't getting hooked up with another abandoner; and last but not least, Is He Ready for Love? to find out if the guy is too flawed to have a relationship.

If you discover fatal flaws, run for the hills. You will never heal the old wound with another abandoner. You need a lover that has 100% love to give you, and nothing less.

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