- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Long Distance Lovelorn
April 6, 1998 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love,
I am hoping that you can help me. I have been in a relationship with a guy for several months, and things up to this point have been going very well. Since the start, we see each other frequently, talk every day, etc. We have had our arguments, but nothing really serious. The problem is that a few weeks ago, he got transferred for his job to a city not too far away (reasonable driving distance) for a great promotion, and he claims that this is not a permanent move.
I wasn't thrilled about this because my previous realtionship had been long-distance except for the weekends, and it wound up being a horrible experience in the end (cheating and lying on his part). I really care about this guy, and I want to give it time, but ever since he has moved, he really seems to be distancing himself from me more and more. His calls have been becoming less frequent, our dates have been shorter than normal, but, when we do talk, he still seems to care (saying that he misses me, wishes I could be there, hates to go bac k, etc. etc.).
I am a true believer in actions speaking louder than words, however, and his actions seem to tell me that he doesn't really care about me except to go out occasionally on the weekends. I am not desperate for him - I am an attractive, young professional that does not have troubleattracting men, but I would like to see if this relationship has a future. Any advice??
Long Distance Lovelorn
I hear how worried you are that you might lose this man. In a sense, this guy abandoned you by taking the promotion. He never discussed it with you, he simply took the transfer. That move said a lot about his level of commitment to the relationship. When a person wants to maintain a relationship, he or she discusses all decisions that will have an impact on that relationship. He made a one-sided decision and you are left to like it or lump it.
Now, to back-track a second. This happened to you once before. A man took off on you, then lied and cheated. And, in your heart, I think you are feeling that this is happening again. Whenever a repeated pattern occurs in our love lives, it is good to take time to examine why such a pattern might be occurring.
I have said before that whenever a repeated pattern occurs, we can suspect that some unfinished piece of childhood business is being recreated. I have spoken again and again about the repetition compulsion (see the Advice Archives) and how the unconscious mind is drawn to recreate the emotional scenes of childhood so that it can work for a happy ending.
In your case, I have to wonder if you were left or abandoned when you were young. I say this because there seems to be a pattern here of relationships in which men you adore take off and leave you hanging.
So, see if you can find a parallel with your history. If you find one, then, we can assume that your mind is hoping that, this time, the abandoner will stick around and love you--the happy ending.
Here's the tragedy of the repetition compulsion. We rarely achieve our happy endings--at least not through such repetitions. Why? We choose lovers who are similar to the parents that let us down when we were young. Hence, our lovers are limited in the same ways that our parents were and unable of giving us the emotional goodies we need. And, in the end, we simply get hurt again.
Point being, the leopard isn't going to change its spots. And, as long as we date abandoners, we will be abandoned.
I know you may be thinking, but I didn't know my boyfriend was an abandoner.
I want you to know that when the unconscious mind is on a healing mission, it actually does recognize the flaws in our lovers. And, we are drawn to such flawed individuals like moths to a flame.
I am not saying this to blame you. Instead, I want you to become aware that we are all drawn to lovers who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down. In fact, this similarity ignites us with hope. Maybe this time, I will get my dad's or mom's love. So, we overlook the warning signs and plunge in, hoping to heal the old wound.
At this point, I am not very encouraged about your current relationship. He is making you feel like you're on the back burner. You can ask this guy if you should feel concerned that he is pulling away emotionally. See what he has to say. See if he changes his behavior. If he isn't willing to demonstrate his caring and commitment to you, I think your decision will be made for you.
I know it will be painful if you have to give him up. And, there will be loss and hurt feelings to heal. But, you do not deserve to be treated as you are being treated now. If you decide to give him up, I want you to keep your eye on the horizon. Be aware of the urge that is driving you to repeat your old abandonment wound.
When you are attracted to the next man, watch for signs that he is also an abandoner. If you see those signs, run for the hills. You will never heal the old wound with another abandoner. You need a lover that has 100% love to give you, and nothing less.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show