Lady Who is Married to the 'Jiffy Lube' Man
November 20, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello , I am 24 years old Female . I have one problem . It takes a long time for me to get excited & by the time I get excited my husband has fallen off. Is there any medicine or some method by which I can get excited in a short time of say 10 minutes ... Help me please. This has lead to fight & lots of disturbances in my life.
Wanting to Get Excited Faster
I think we should call your husband the 'Jiffy Lube' man. That is, he expects you to become lubricated (and aroused) in a jiffy. Based upon what we know about normal female sexual response, your husband's expectations are not realistic. This is why most couples engage in at least 20 minutes of foreplay before the woman feels excited enough to have intercourse. And, most women require 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. So, I am not at all convinced that you take too long; too long for your husband, perhaps, but not too long for the average woman.
Since I don't know how long you need to become excited, I will assume for the moment that you are having a problem getting aroused quickly enough (although I'm not convinced) and I will discuss all the possible reasons why sexual arousal might be impeded.
If you have found your desire decreasing over time, you might want to make sure that certain health problems, such as low thyroid levels, adrenal fatigue or hormone imbalances such as low estrogen, estrogen dominance or low testosterone levels are not reducing your desire. I assume that your periods are normal and your menstrual cycle is regular. If it isn't, then have a thorough gynecological check up.
If everything is normal medically, then it’s time to get off (no pun intended) the subject of health for a second and examine some emotional factors that may be inhibiting your sexual desire. You said that you have been fighting with your husband about this issue. Anger kills desire. I am sure that you are pissed off at him for not accepting your own sexual pace.
Also, worrying about whether you will become excited quickly enough is another desire buster. In fact, people must be totally relaxed to become aroused. Anger and fear could explain why you aren't getting excited fast enough.
Fear of intimacyThe causes of fear of intimacy are nearly identical to the fear of commitment. See Fear of Commitment is another desire buster. Keep in mind that many couples are afraid to be close and they fight about sex as a way of keeping distance. In other words, by arguing over your not getting excited, no one gets off or gets close.
The bottom line is the fact that there are issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. here that are deeper than sex. The question is: is he using this 'you're too slow' ploy to keep you away from him or are you not getting aroused in order to keep him away from you, or both. You might want to discuss this issue together and see what comes up (again no pun intended).
Also, the fact that he becomes so angry when you don't get aroused fast enough for him makes me think that he is reading a meaning into your lack of arousal. That is, I think your lack of desire is read as an insult to his manhood. He's not a good enough lover, etc. I think his feelings are bruised, and he becomes angry as a consequence. I would also talk with him about how he feels when you are slow to arouse. What are his thoughts? How does he interpret your lack of arousal? If he speaks to you honestly, I am sure that hurt and feelings of failure will come out. If this is so, then you can remind him that all women are like you, and that it is normal for men to be excited much more quickly than women.
If you can help him to understand and feel comfortable about the normal differences between men and women's sexuality, then we have a chance here. When the anger and fighting subsides, you can both begin to experiment and have some fun. You might be able to work as a loving team on finding creative solutions. After all, lovemaking is supposed to be about joining of body, mind and soul, not running a relay (get it, relay, as in lay!)race.
Seriously, if you can talk to each other as loving partners, instead of enemies or competitors, then you will have some energy available to try various options: sensual massages, loving words and physical affectionAffection is defined as fond attachment, devotion or love. Couples are most compatible when they are equally matched in terms of their needs for displays or expressions of affection. outside the bedroom in order to create the mood and heighten your arousal long before you hit the springs, giving him an orgasm before he even begins to arouse you, so that the pressure is off both of you. Again, when you are friends not enemies your own creativity will take hold.
I have said a lot. The main thing is to help your husband understand that your slow arousal is normal and not a sign that he is failing you. Once the hurt and anger diminishes, you should be able to find some creative ways to make love so that both of you feel loved and accepted.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show