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Lady Who is Married to the 'Jiffy Lube' Man
November 20, 2012 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello , I am 24 years old Female . I have one problem . It takes a long time for me to get excited & by the time I get excited my husband has fallen off. Is there any medicine or some method by which I can get excited in a short time of say 10 minutes ... Help me please. This has lead to fight & lots of disturbances in my life.
Wanting to Get Excited Faster
I think we should call your husband the 'Jiffy Lube' man. That is, he expects you to become lubricated (and aroused) in a jiffy. Based upon what we know about normal female sexual response, your husband's expectations are not realistic. This is why most couples engage in at least 20 minutes of foreplay before the woman feels excited enough to have intercourse. And, most women require 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. So, I am not at all convinced that you take too long; too long for your husband, perhaps, but not too long for the average woman.
Since I don't know how long you need to become excited, I will assume for the moment that you are having a problem getting aroused quickly enough (although I'm not convinced) and I will discuss all the possible reasons why sexual arousal might be impeded.
If you have found your desire decreasing over time, you might want to make sure that certain health problems, such as low thyroid levels, adrenal fatigue or hormone imbalances such as low estrogen, estrogen dominance or low testosterone levels are not reducing your desire. I assume that your periods are normal and your menstrual cycle is regular. If it isn't, then have a thorough gynecological check up.
If everything is normal medically, then it’s time to get off (no pun intended) the subject of health for a second and examine some emotional factors that may be inhibiting your sexual desire. You said that you have been fighting with your husband about this issue. Anger kills desire. I am sure that you are pissed off at him for not accepting your own sexual pace.
Also, worrying about whether you will become excited quickly enough is another desire buster. In fact, people must be totally relaxed to become aroused. Anger and fear could explain why you aren't getting excited fast enough.
Fear of intimacyThe causes of fear of intimacy are nearly identical to the fear of commitment. See Fear of Commitment is another desire buster. Keep in mind that many couples are afraid to be close and they fight about sex as a way of keeping distance. In other words, by arguing over your not getting excited, no one gets off or gets close.
The bottom line is the fact that there are issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. here that are deeper than sex. The question is: is he using this 'you're too slow' ploy to keep you away from him or are you not getting aroused in order to keep him away from you, or both. You might want to discuss this issue together and see what comes up (again no pun intended).
Also, the fact that he becomes so angry when you don't get aroused fast enough for him makes me think that he is reading a meaning into your lack of arousal. That is, I think your lack of desire is read as an insult to his manhood. He's not a good enough lover, etc. I think his feelings are bruised, and he becomes angry as a consequence. I would also talk with him about how he feels when you are slow to arouse. What are his thoughts? How does he interpret your lack of arousal? If he speaks to you honestly, I am sure that hurt and feelings of failure will come out. If this is so, then you can remind him that all women are like you, and that it is normal for men to be excited much more quickly than women.
If you can help him to understand and feel comfortable about the normal differences between men and women's sexuality, then we have a chance here. When the anger and fighting subsides, you can both begin to experiment and have some fun. You might be able to work as a loving team on finding creative solutions. After all, lovemaking is supposed to be about joining of body, mind and soul, not running a relay (get it, relay, as in lay!)race.
Seriously, if you can talk to each other as loving partners, instead of enemies or competitors, then you will have some energy available to try various options: sensual massages, loving words and physical affectionAffection is defined as fond attachment, devotion or love. Couples are most compatible when they are equally matched in terms of their needs for displays or expressions of affection. outside the bedroom in order to create the mood and heighten your arousal long before you hit the springs, giving him an orgasm before he even begins to arouse you, so that the pressure is off both of you. Again, when you are friends not enemies your own creativity will take hold.
I have said a lot. The main thing is to help your husband understand that your slow arousal is normal and not a sign that he is failing you. Once the hurt and anger diminishes, you should be able to find some creative ways to make love so that both of you feel loved and accepted.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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