- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Lady Who is Feeling Verbally Beaten
May 11, 1998 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I've been in a relationship for six years and it's been really hard, I feel as though he is always trying to change me to be 'a better person' I feel as though I am a good person and the way he talks to me sounds like insults and when I tell him that he says I just don't know how to communicate and I get to offended because I don't like anyone telling me anything.
That may be true to some point because I was on my own since I was 14 and I'm not used to having an authority figure over me telling me how to live my life. But I am very successful so far, I am 23 and I already own my home and I have a very stable job, and my son comes first in my life.
I don't feel like I don't know how to communicate but I have to admit ive become a little insecure about it and when I talk to him things just are not coming out right.
He questions everything I do as far as discussions ive made for myself or my son or why am I cooking like that, I feel its very hard to live under this pressure and I'm very depressed at home. one incident is one night he had an appt. after work and I didn't know when he'd be home so I ate, and when he got home I asked him if he would like something to eat.
He asked if I had already eaten I said yes, and he said I'll have the leftover pizza, but I had eaten that, so I offered to make him something else. He made the comment that I don't look out for him since their was nothing ready for him, but didn't I show concern because I did offer to make him something?
He said I always mess up his plans, I was pissed! This isn't the only time he makes comments like this, the last time I had to work late he was still at home waiting for me to cook dinner and since I had already eaten at work, he said I don't expect you to know what to do since your mother never taught you.
I really feel this is unnecessary, and my feelings are hurt, Please give me some advice I don't know if I want to be with him anymore but I don't know if all women have to deal with this in their relationships.
Wondering If All Women Deal with This
If you feel insulted by your boyfriend, then you are being insulted, and if he wants a relationship with you, he must learn to speak to you in ways that feel less assaultive. Bottom line, if he wants to be with you, he must learn to be responsive to your feelings.
You left your first family when you were 14. I can only assume that you were feeling mistreated by one or both of your parents. Now history is repeating itself with a boyfriend who mistreats you. You weren't supposed to be mistreated by your parents and you certainly aren't supposed to be criticized and mistreated by your boyfriend.
The question you asked me at the end of your letter, do other women get treated like this, tells me that you haven't been treated very well in your life. This explains why you aren't sure whether the way you are being treated is 'normal' or not.
Since I suspect that you weren't treated properly as a kid, you have no model in your head for how you are supposed to be treated now. So, I am going to give you a model, and your boyfriend, if he loves you and wants this relationship, must learn to speak to you using the model I outline.
One thing we need to get your boyfriend to understand about his behavior is that when he feels hurt, instead of owning his true feelings and talking about it with you, he stings you with insults and anger instead. The pizza story is a good example of what I am talking about. He obviously felt hurt and rejected when no dinner was made for him, and instead of telling you: I felt hurt or neglected when no dinner was made for me, he insulted and attacked you. (In a calm moment you might point out to him that many men prefer to show anger than to reveal a more vulnerable feeling such as hurt.)
The next time he insults you, I would tell him, "If you want to calmly tell me what I did (or said) and how that made you feel, I will listen and try to understand. But, if you insult me (or put me down, or call me names, or scream at me--choose whatever applies) any further, I will terminate this discussion." If he doesn't stop whatever is making you feel damaged, then walk away. If he follows you, leave the room or the house. When you meet again, if he starts insulting you, give him the same message as above, and again walk away if needed.
Bottom Line: You will no longer reward his insulting or abusive behavior with attention in any form (no responses, ongoing discussion, or yelling back). Never mind whether or not he tells you that you are crazy to feel abused. If you feel abused, listen to your own feelings. Your emotional reality is your own. The question of how you feel is not for the other person to determine.
I hope that my answer clarifies how you need to protect yourself. And, no, you are not supposed to feel the way you are feeling.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show