- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Lady That's Being Verbally Abused
November 2, 1998 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr Love:
I do hope that you will answer to my e-mail as i have been struggling with this relationship problem of mine for almost a year. I have sought the help of professionals, people like therapistis and counsellors but to no avail. Most of them do not really seem to understand what i am trying to say / express and offer fixed methods of advice.
I have a boyfriend of 2 years who have been rather abusive both verbally and emotionally. He would flare up at the smallest things and hurl vulgarities at me. As a result, i often doubt whether he really loves me or not. This prompted me to ask him whether if he really loves me after every quarrel. and his reply ? more verbal abuse!
I have tried calming him down by talking to him nicely, by leaving him alone for a short period of time and by bringing him to see counsellors, but all these do not seem to help.
In the meantime, i am feeling rather depressed, hurt and angry with myself for loving a guy who constantly brings me out for a
' rollercoaster' ride : that is, his way of care or being nice is only dependent upon his mood.
I can't seem to trust him now. His work comes into frequent contact with attractive females and furthermore, he has above average looks with a'charming personality' in public.
I am really breaking apart as i feel the inner tourment within myself whenever i see him, loving him yet not quite loving him.
PLEASE ADVISE and your help is very much appreciated.
The reason why you haven't gotten anywhere with your previous therapy attempts is two-fold. The focus of therapy was to 'fix' your abusive partner, and no one was helping you to focus on you. And, you need to focus on you, not on him.
First of all, read the first question in this week's advice column, in which I speak about repetition compulsion. Then, read my Advice Archives articles, also on repetition compulsion. You are locked in a vicious repetition compulsion. How do I know?
I am quite certain that you have chosen a man that verbally abuses you in the unconscious hope of healing an earlier relationship in which you were abused. You need to know that: 1) We are all creatures of habit and if we were abused as children, we find partners that abuse us as adults; 2) We choose partners that recreate our childhood trauma in the unconscious hope to heal that original trauma (repetition compulsion); 3) Our repetitions never work because our partners are damaged the way our parents were, hence they can't provide us with the healing that we need; 4) We can't let go of the abusive partner (or the partner that recreates any other trauma we suffered as kids), because our unconscious minds believe that if we can finally coerce our partners into giving us the emotional goodies that we lacked as kids, then our original wounds will feel healed.
And this is where you find yourself. You can't let go of this abuser, because you can't stop trying to get your happy ending to the original wound. So, you suck up to your partNer, placate him, try to be good, try harder, even take him to therapy. But, he's not going to be healed--he doesn't want to change. It feels too good to be an abuser for him to ever want to stop.
The only person that can change is you. You have to face the fact that he never will. And, the kinder you are to him, the more he knows that he's got you--you're addicted to him and to the struggle of trying to get your abusive parent(s) to come around.
In addition to accepting what your struggle is really about, you need to join a support group for battered spouses (yes you are being battered) right now. Inside my chat membership, there are also various support groups. Or you can attend one in your area.
I am not going to tell you to set limits, or put your foot down with him. First you need to heal and grow. When you feel entitled to better treatment, you will put your foot down naturally. And, then, when he sees that you have truly changed on the inside, and that you are able and willing to live with out him, then and only then may he change. In other words, you need to find your personal power first, before you can set any limits. Otherwise, he won't take you seriously.
You need to be in a supportive therapeutic environment to get this job done.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show