- Dr. Love in the Media
Is it Worth Throwing Away our Marriage?
December 4, 2006 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I am having a huge problem!
I need some answers please. I just found out that my wife made out with a guy in a bar in Germany 3 years ago. We weren't married at that time but we had been together for 5 years. We were going through some relationship issues during that time. We had been living together but decided to get our own places for a while.
We never broke off the relationship but we were seeing less of each other and we both were questioning the relationship. We were still in a committed relationaship.
About 3 months of living separately she visited Germany with some friends. Her story goes, she was pretty drunk and starting talking to some guy and ended up making out with him. They jumped around from bar to bar, making out here and there. She swears it didn't go any farther than that.
Soon after her return she moved in with me and we started to rebuild our relationship. About 1 year later we got engaged and a year after that we got married.
Now we've been married for almost 1 year and she told me about her Germany trip. Actually she only told me about it when I became suspicious because her friends tend to get hush hush when they bring up the Germany trip.
I feel hurt, angry, and confused but I also realize we were having trouble at that time. I'm not sure how to feel.
We're married now and I'm confused. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. BTW- she was absolutely hysterically crying when she told me and she seems extremely remorseful.
We have a strong relationship and a very happy marriage. Is it worth throwing away.
Thanks for listening.
I understand that you feel betrayed. Surely this wasn't your wife's shining moment.
I imagine she was upset over your troubled relationship. You were separated at the time and I'm sure you both were quite confused about your future. She became drunk and acted out.
The most important issue to me isn't the making out. It's that she became drunk and wasn't in charge of her behavior. She needs to be aware of her tendency to act out when she's under the influence. She also needs to become aware of a tendency to allow herself to get drunk when she's upset in order to release her emotional distress.
Ask her to become aware of this pattern and to work on learning to talk not act out. If she works on resolving this pattern, you can feel confident that when you have rough times again, as all couples do, that she won't act out this way in the future. She obviously loves you dearly and I'm sure she'll be happy to work on this aspect of her personality.
Don't draw up divorce papers. You have a great relationship.
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