- Work with Dr. Turndorf
June 18, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. Raised two children 33 & 29 from my first marriage (no children between us). My problem and question is this:
He cheated on me the first year that we where married, but I did not find this out until 14 years later. He promised me that he would never betray or hurt me like this again. Well, in 2005 he started a phone romance with a radio personallty locally to where we live. I accidentally found out this and was devastated and hurt beyond all reason.
He has started to drink very heavily (2 plus cases of beer a week) and has stated that it is my fault that he drinks because I have not forgiven him nor have I forgotten what happened last summer. God knows I have tried but feel he's drinking in this manner because he did not get to have his way with this other woman. He still flirts with every pretty woman he sees and makes me feel like yesterday's leftovers. He made this remark just recently during one of our arguments while he was drinking so heavy.
He has begun to be verbally violent and physically with me when he is in this state of mind. He says that I provoke him by fussing about the amount of alcohol consumed. Please help me with an answer as to how I can save my marriage. I still love him with all my heart.
Your husband is shifting blame onto you and not taking responsibility for his own behavior. He says he's drinking to excess because you haven't forgiven him for his phone flirtation. Hello. How did he manage to shift the focus onto you? He's the one who's drinking, not you.
He can feel angry. Nobody says he can't. But what he can't do is try to make you responsible for his uncontrolled drinking. I would tell him that he has a right to his feelings and obviously he's very angry with you and you want to understand more about this. Tell him that the problem isn't his anger it is how he deals with that anger. Instead of talking with you about it and working the feelings through, he anesthetizes his feelings with booze.
Until he gets his drinking under control by going to AA no relationship is possible. When he's sober then we can discuss the issue of his cheating, which he also doesn't want to take responsibility for. In his mind the issue is that you haven't forgiven. Hello again. The real issue is why is he cheating in the first place. I would tell him that his cheating is, once again, an example, of anger that 's not being handled properly.
Instead of telling you what isn't working for him in the marriage, he acts out his anger by cheating. Again, I see the same problem. He swallows his anger or acts it out, but he doesn't deal with it constructively. Hear me clearly. I'm not saying that you are an angel who walks on water. I'm sure that you say and do things that annoy him (we all annoy each other). The problem, once again, is that he isn't dealing with you directly. So, to save your marriage he needs to get sober and start talking to you.
My book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will guide you on how to discuss even the hottest topics in a way that will bring you closer together not farther apart. In order to have a successful discussion, you must avoid the temptation to play the saint who has been wronged. If you play this card, he will feel guilty and more angry and discussions with deteriorate rapidly. Instead, you need to be willing to look at your part in his infidelity. Realize that you had a hand in driving him away from you.
I'm not saying his cheating and flirtations were proper. Had he been more skilled at talking about his feelings, he could have told you straight up what you were doing to push him away. This is all water under the bridge. You both need to go from this point forward. Learn how to discuss your negative feelings, listen and understand each other, and, above all work to be responsive to each other.
You have a tough road ahead of you, but if you want the marriage, follow the steps I outline in the book and a happy marriage will be yours.
"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D.,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show