I Don't Want to Fight All the Time
January 28, 2014 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Ok Dr. Love, I am so happy with the guy I am with. I see us being together for the rest of my life.
Our problem is we argue about a lot. But we get over it real fast. I don't like arguing and fighting then getting all lovey dovey. I don't want to fight or argue anymore. I don't want to ruin what we have.
I love him with every once of life in me what do I do to solve my problem. I try ignoring what would make us argue but then it builds up and that isnt good.
Please Dr. Love HELP me. I love him to much to let him go. HELP HELP HELP. . . . I want him as my lover for all time. Please Help
I Want Him as My Lover for All Time
This is a very important question. Chronic fighting does erode a relationship, so we need to help you both learn how to discuss your difficult issues. My new Hay House book called Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship. I want you to buy the book when it comes out and put it to use.
The book presents my 12 step conflict resolution program, which has been proven effective for over 90% of the couples who use it. So hang on a little more and then use the book.
Until then, let's focus on one thing that you can do to get started. If you are fighting, then you are not hearing each other. When you don't feel heard, you shout louder, which only creates more anger, less listening and the fighting escalates.
So, here's what you both need to do right away. Make sure to communicate what's upsetting you in a way that is easy for each other to hear. Use my 'X, Y Formula, which consists of CALMLY describing (no screaming, yelling, shouting, etc. ) what was said or done and how that made you feel.
If your partner is highly defensive avoid using the word 'you' all together. So instead of saying, 'I felt angry, when you called me names,' reword the sentence without the word 'you' and say instead, 'When I am called names, I feel angry.'
The cooler you stay when presenting what's troubling you, the easier it will be for your partner to stick around and discuss the matter with you, and vice versa.
After presenting your issue, the listener should repeat back what he or she heard. If the listener understood, then the speaker says, 'That's right.'
If the listener didn't understand, then the speaker restates what's troubling him or her and the listener reflects his or her understanding once again. You do this until the listener gets it.
The listener must remember to not try to talk the speaker out of his or her feelings. And, the listener must also remember to wait his turn before discussing his or her beef--I call this the Emotional Right of Way. Only after the initial speaker feels completely heard and understood, can the listener take his turn.
There is a lot more to learn about how to discuss your issues without falling into a fight. My new Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship http://www.amazon.com/Kiss-Your-Fights-Good-bye-Relationship/dp/1401945333/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390950257&sr=8-1&keywords=kiss+your+fights+goodbyewill show you everything you need to know.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show