I Don't Want to Fight All the Time
April 28, 2013 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Ok Dr. Love, I am so happy with the guy I am with. I see us being together for the rest of my life.
Our problem is we argue about a lot. But we get over it real fast. I don't like arguing and fighting then getting all lovey dovey. I don't want to fight or argue anymore. I don't want to ruin what we have.
I love him with every once of life in me what do I do to solve my problem. I try ignoring what would make us argue but then it builds up and that isnt good.
Please Dr. Love HELP me. I love him to much to let him go. HELP HELP HELP. . . . I want him as my lover for all time. Please Help
I Want Him as My Lover for All Time
This is a very important question. Chronic fighting does erode a relationship, so we need to help you both learn how to discuss your difficult issues. I have a new book coming out in January called, 'Till Death Do Us Part' ( Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Marital Conflict. I want you to buy the book when it comes out and put it to use.
The book presents my 12 step conflict resolution program, which has been proven effective for over 90% of the couples who use it. So hang on a little more and then use the book.
Until then, let's focus on one thing that you can do to get started. If you are fighting, then you are not hearing each other. When you don't feel heard, you shout louder, which only creates more anger, less listening and the fighting escalates.
So, here's what you both need to do right away. Make sure to communicate what's upsetting you in a way that is easy for each other to hear. Use my 'X, Y Formula, which consists of CALMLY describing (no screaming, yelling, shouting, etc. ) what was said or done and how that made you feel.
If your partner is highly defensive avoid using the word 'you' all together. So instead of saying, 'I felt angry, when you called me names,' reword the sentence without the word 'you' and say instead, 'When I am called names, I feel angry.'
The cooler you stay when presenting what's troubling you, the easier it will be for your partner to stick around and discuss the matter with you, and vice versa.
After presenting your issue, the listener should repeat back what he or she heard. If the listener understood, then the speaker says, 'That's right.'
If the listener didn't understand, then the speaker restates what's troubling him or her and the listener reflects his or her understanding once again. You do this until the listener gets it.
The listener must remember to not try to talk the speaker out of his or her feelings. And, the listener must also remember to wait his turn before discussing his or her beef--I call this the Emotional Right of Way. Only after the initial speaker feels completely heard and understood, can the listener take his turn.
There is a lot more to learn about how to discuss your issues without falling into a fight. My book Till Death Do Us Part http://www.drlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship will show you everything you need to know.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show