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How to Close the Book
February 11, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Right after Christmas, my engagement has been 'officially' called off (I would argue that the damage was done when we didn't get married in August and I moved out in September), and I've done by best to start moving on. I've enrolled in Master's classes, have met some new women, and gone out on several casual dates. My ex-fiancee' and I have continued to stay in touch.
When I told her I'd met someone whose company I enjoy, she became nearly hysterical, and called me shortly after midnight of the same evening, masturbating while on the phone. I have tried to block her email, but was unsuccessful, though I have since discovered a means to delete her emails when they arrive. I have fed this fire I realize, by trying to be nice, and tell her that I will take from this relationship positive elements, and will look back fondly on our time together. I've also told her I wish things could have been different.
She has now called me to tell me she has met someone else and that she needs me to respect that. I told her I would, and wished her well. Since then two days have passed, and she's called me twice, once not leaving a message, the second time to tell me she needed an address to mail the remainder of my things (which is curious, as she's mailed things to my house before, and this is the third of fourth time she's told me she had the 'rest' of my things to give back). She then instant- messaged me last night, again requesting an address.
Through all this, I have failed to mention she was in an auto accident in January. Though she was not at fault, she was still charged with DUI, as she had been drinking, and was driving her 5 year old son home at the time of the accident. After receiving particularly virulent emails this morning, I informed her that I was blocking her home email address at MY home, and deleting her emails here at work before I ever read them. She has moved to a different part of town, and I'm hoping that the distance and her fresh start will enable us to really be done with this. Tell me I'm enabling this by answering her emails and wishing her well. Honestly, I just want to be done with this at this point.
How to close the book
You say you want to close the book but as you yourself pointed out you are continuing to have contact with her. Are you sure that you want no contact with her? Your actions say otherwise. Are you sure that you aren't hoping to get back with her on some level? Do you feel guilty to have broken off the wedding, and is maintaining contact a way of atoning for your guilt? Are you trying to let her down easy by offering her crumbs of friendship? Is it possible that your unconscious still hopes that you can work out whatever problems broke you up?
Don't forget that most of us fall for lovers who remind us of our parents, who often let us down. We choose carbon copies of our parents so that we can relive and in the process heal our childhood traumas. It is usually hard to let go of a lover precisely because doing so means letting go of the hope of ever healing the childhood wound. This may explain why you are finding it hard to close the book on her--because you don't want to close the book on yourself and your chance of healing.
Clearly some piece of your unconscious mind hopes to accomplish something by staying in touch. If unfinished childhood business isn't fueling your continued contact, then you have to assume that staying in touch is your way of doing what all humans do: seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. In your mind you must be thinking that maintaining contact will help you to escape a painful feeling (guilt, shame, etc. ) or bring you a reward (make you feel better about yourself because you acted like a good guy).
If you can figure out what feeling you are trying to escape and/or what pleasure or positive stroke you are trying to obtain by staying in touch, then you will be in a much better position to deal with and resolve the issue directly.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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