- Dr. Love in the Media
How Can I Get Him to Want me Without Getting on My Knees First?
April 9, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
My question, I think, is a fairly common problem amoung a lot of people. I have been w/ my boyfriend for three years. We had great sex when we started dating. All the time and everywhere. Now things are different. He rarely touches me anymore.
If we do have sex, I have to intiate it all of the time, which is really beginning to irritate me because I get nothing out of it. His stamina has dropped greatly. I am lucky if I get 5 minutes out of him.
Honestly, it has been since Valentine's day since we have been intimate, and I have needs!! How can I get him to want me without getting on my knees first? (you know what I mean) And, how can I get him to last longer?
You have a big problem. The first thing you want to do is to rule out mental and physical illness. Medical conditions of various kinds can affect a person's sex drive and performance. Likewise, people who are depressed often feel tired and without sexual interest. Similarly, if a person is very stressed, he/she will find it difficult to become aroused and/or find it hard to achieve orgasm.
Since you said that he is able to become erect, I would suspect that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with him. So what is the problem? I would suspect that something isn't working for him in the relationship.
If he has a passive aggressive personality disorder, then he will be the type of person to not discuss his anger directly, but rather to get even by withholding what you want, namely that he initiate sex and hold off before orgasming.
I would confront him directly and see if you can get him to start talking about what is bothering him. To get the ball rolling, you might say,'You have been avoiding sex with me for some time. In my experience, when a person doesn't feel like giving to his girlfriend, it's because he's mad at her. I would like to know what it is that I am doing to make you mad at me.'
The goal of the discussion is to get him to talk to you. Don't be defensive; don't justify yourself. Listen, understand, take responsibility for your actions or inactions, and agree to do what you can to change whatever isn't working for him.
If you can get any anger out of him, you will find a great upswing in the sex department. If you can't get him talking, then go to a couples therapist together.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show