- Work with Dr. Turndorf
He's Issued an Ultimatum
May 14, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr. Love.
I am a college female and I am desperate for advice. I am in a two-year relationship with someone that I love so much, but when he does something wrong I let him get away with it after staying mad for a day or so.
However, I only did one thing wrong by not trusting him and he wanted to break up until I begged him not to. He set down rules such as I cannot look at his cell phone or ask where and with whom he goes on the weekends.
I know for a fact he had not been cheating, so I do not know why he wants to be so secretive with his phone and papers. He even asked me not to see my best friend of 12 years ever again because she was involved in the fight where I did not trust him and he feels she betrayed him.
What should I do? I cannot abandon my friend.
Should I move out and hope he realizes he was too demanding after the fight, or should I stay with him and later ask him to change his mind about these controlling rules when he calms down from the fight?
First thing, no decisions should be made in the heat of anger. Second, let's talk about what you call your habit of letting him get away with doing something wrong. What exactly does this mean? Do you mean that you don't lay down rules like he does? Does it mean that you act out your anger rather than tell him in words what he's said or done that you don't like?
It sounds to me like there isn't enough talking going on. Instead, there is far acting out of feelings. You act on your fears by going into action and checking up on him. You act on your anger by 'showing' him through behavior that you're mad. He goes into action when he's mad at you, and he expresses his anger through controlling and retaliatory behavior. Both of you need to learn how to talk to each other about your feelings instead of going into action.
By the way, his demand that you don't check his cell phone and his papers is a legitimate request. You shouldn't be going through his private property. Because he's so angry with you for having violated his privacy and for having falsely accused him, he is, unfortunately, expressing the anger by laying down the law. It would be better for him to say, in words, that he's furious at you for having violated his privacy and that he doesn't want you to do this again.
Bottom line, you both need to get down to the basics and learn how to talk about your feelings and listen and understand each other. When you both feel fully heard and understood by each other, you won't act out your anger and he won't issue all kinds of demands. These are dysfunctional tactics that are beng substituted for proper communcation.
You both need to read my book ASAP. I promise you, if you don't put the principles I outline into practice your relationship isn't going to make it. To get past your current dilemma, you need to ask him to talk to you and then you must listen and understand his feelings. Don't even attempt this until you've read the book and know what you're doing. Otherwise, the discussion will blow up in your face and you'll be in worse hot water.
When you talk, you'll want to take responsibility for your role in the conflict. Tell him that you realize he's very angry with you. Tell him that you think he's also been insulted and hurt by you.
Since you know he's a faithful man, your jealous accusations really offended him because he was being falsely accused. Tell him that you've never done him the service of understanding how much you hurt him.
After that introduction, let him talk. Repeat what he says to you and ask if you've understood him. Do not insert yourself, your opinions, or make self-justifications. Just listen and understand him. When he feels completely understood, I think he won't feel as hell bent on making you prove your loyalty to him by giving up your friend. Your listening and understanding will already prove your loyalty.
If it feels appropriate, tell him that you think that it's not good for your relationship when either of you issue edicts. In this case, ask him if he can see that the edict that you must drop your friend will only hurt your relationship with each other? Tell him that you will feel angry and resentful to be forced to comply at gunpoint and this will lead you to resent him, which will hurt your relationship. Tell him that it would be much better for the relationship if he communicates, in words, the underlying feelings that lead him to wait to issue such a demand.
You also need to become more aware of the feelings of fear that led you to snoop in the first place. Since he's faithful and you know it, this means that your snooping was triggered by a wound inside you.
My Personality Profile will help you identify and heal the wound. Each time you feel the fear, talk to him about it, link it to your childhood so he doesn't take your reaction as an accusation against him, and above all, don't act on the fear by snooping. This doesn't resolve the source of your fear and only ruins your relationship.
You both have a lot of work to do. Thank God you love each other. That's a powerful motivation. But the surest way to erode love is to either act out your anger or shove it under the rug.
My book will show you how to save your relationship.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show