He's Chatting Online
July 9, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
HI, My boyfriend and I are very happy, just one problem: He chats with other girls in chat rooms, emails them etc, , but says he has no intention of meeting them.
I've told him that if he's honest I don't mind, but really I think I do. . . I'm not sure what to do. . . I know he loves me, there's no doubt about that. .
Can you give me any advice? Thanks
I understand you're upset. It feels like he's flirting with other girls. The good news is he isn't hiding it from you, which reinforces what he says, that he truly has no intention of meeting them.
On the other hand, it feels like he's investing a lot of time in sharing with someone other than you. I would ask him why. Is he trying to make you jealous? Is he a guy who's afraid of too much intimacy and is he using these contacts in order to drive some distance between the two of you.
The bottom line is all behavior is a communication of thoughts and feelings. We want to understand what this chatting is saying about his feelings toward you and about the relationship. Talk to him. The goal is to understand him better. Make sure that he doesn't feel that you have an agenda or that you're trying to stop him from doing the chatting. If he feels controlled, he'll clam up or want to chat even more.
When you figure out what the underlying feeling is and talk it through, there's a good chance he won't need to chat so much any more.
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