- Dr. Love in the Media
He's Being Abused by His Ex
December 18, 2006 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have been seeing this guy for 3 months, we both seperated from our partners 3/4 months ago. We have spent every minute together and when he is at work its phone calls all the time. We both have the same views, warped mind, interests, everything we are so good together, but his ex is very controlling and she is physically violent towards him. She keeps pulling him back in and saying she wants it to work but he is not allowed to sleep there with her.
We both enjoy each other 's company he tells he loves me and loves everything about me and this is meant to be. When we start getting to close he says we are not allowed to love each other even though we have on many occasions. We are having to sneak our phone calls and messages, hiding my car, having to go out to stay away from our houses to spend time together.
I am in love with him, and now with all this trouble we both are coping from our ex-partners it is mentally affecting us so much that he has decided it cannot go on any more. I am heartbroken to the max, but some strange reason I don't believe he means a word of it.
We love to park my car on top of a hill and just sit there for hours talking and looking at the view. I know he is torn totally and he is afraid of her but it's also tormenting me as well, and now I have decided to pack up and leave and move somewhere else.
How can two people feel the way we do but it cannot eventuate?
Please help me.
What a sad situation you're in. It sounds like the two of you are very compatible and also in very much in love.
The reason why your relationship won't eventuate, as you say, is because your boyfriend has a childhood wound that is ruining his adult relationships. Let me explain. Your boyfriend is attached to his ex who abuses and mistreats him.
Why? Surely he had a mom or dad who did the very same thing to him. A person who was not abused in childhood would never have married such a woman and certainly wouldn't keep running back to her.
As for why he runs back, the answer is also clear. All abused children think that it's their fault that they're being mistreated. This is because children are narcissistic, meaning that they believe the world revolves around them and that everything that happens is because of them or about them. If mommy and daddy divorce, the kid thinks it's his/her fault. If a kid is abused, he/she thinks, if only I were a better boy or girl mommy or daddy would love me. This leads the child to try harder and harder to be good, and the more he's abused the harder he tries.
Sounds like your boyfriend, doesn't it? Now we know why he chose an abusive ex and why he keeps running back to her.
I encourage you to tell him what I said and invite him to work on healing the wound. Healing this wound is the only hope for your relationship, I'm afraid. I hope that he catches the ball I'm pitching and runs with it for his sake and for yours.
Let me know what happens.
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