He's Being Abused by His Ex

I have been seeing this guy for 3 months, we both seperated from our partners 3/4 months ago. We have spent every minute together and when he is at work its phone calls all the time. We both have the same views, warped mind, interests, everything we are so good together, but his ex is very controlling and she is physically violent towards him. She keeps pulling him back in and saying she wants it to work but he is not allowed to sleep there with her.

We both enjoy each other 's company he tells he loves me and loves everything about me and this is meant to be. When we start getting to close he says we are not allowed to love each other even though we have on many occasions. We are having to sneak our phone calls and messages, hiding my car, having to go out to stay away from our houses to spend time together.

I am in love with him, and now with all this trouble we both are coping from our ex-partners it is mentally affecting us so much that he has decided it cannot go on any more. I am heartbroken to the max, but some strange reason I don't believe he means a word of it.

We love to park my car on top of a hill and just sit there for hours talking and looking at the view. I know he is torn totally and he is afraid of her but it's also tormenting me as well, and now I have decided to pack up and leave and move somewhere else.

How can two people feel the way we do but it cannot eventuate?

Please help me.


What a sad situation you're in. It sounds like the two of you are very compatible and also in very much in love.

The reason why your relationship won't eventuate, as you say, is because your boyfriend has a childhood wound that is ruining his adult relationships. Let me explain. Your boyfriend is attached to his ex who abuses and mistreats him.

Why? Surely he had a mom or dad who did the very same thing to him. A person who was not abused in childhood would never have married such a woman and certainly wouldn't keep running back to her.

As for why he runs back, the answer is also clear. All abused children think that it's their fault that they're being mistreated. This is because children are narcissistic, meaning that they believe the world revolves around them and that everything that happens is because of them or about them. If mommy and daddy divorce, the kid thinks it's his/her fault. If a kid is abused, he/she thinks, if only I were a better boy or girl mommy or daddy would love me. This leads the child to try harder and harder to be good, and the more he's abused the harder he tries.

Sounds like your boyfriend, doesn't it? Now we know why he chose an abusive ex and why he keeps running back to her.

I encourage you to tell him what I said and invite him to work on healing the wound. Healing this wound is the only hope for your relationship, I'm afraid. I hope that he catches the ball I'm pitching and runs with it for his sake and for yours.

Let me know what happens.


Add comment

This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.

Expert Testimonials

"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."

-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."

-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”

-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming

"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"

-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012

"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."

-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe

"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."

-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host

"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."

-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show