He's Avoiding Intercourse
April 29, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Ok here it goes. This is really important to me please please please respond.
My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in over three months because my bf had a outbreak of warts. He keeps getting them burnt off but they keep coming back. He doesn't want to even make out any more.
This morning when I woke up I put my arm around him and his crotch area was covered in cum (wet dream I'm geussing). Does this mean that he is dreaming about cheating on me with someone else?
I'm really worried I love this guy and I really really really want to have sex with him again. But does he still want me?
The first thing you have to do is stop personalizing his health problem. His warts have nothing to do with his attraction to you! My heavens, you are so help bent on doubting yourself that you refuse to accept the most obvious reason for his behavior. The guy isn't well! You are so caught up with your own fears about his not liking you that you aren't able to tune into his world.
He's got to be upset. The warts on his penis have probably thrown him for a loop. He may be in pain from the warts and/or from the treatment that he's receiving. He may also find that the friction of sex irritates him and/or causes new outbreaks, which would explain his avoidance of intercourse.
The point is you aren't going to find out what is going on in his head (no pun intended) until you calm yourself down. First find out why you need to create such a self denigrating and far fetched explanation for his avoidance. You even have yourself convinced that he's sleeping with other women in his dreams. You might like to know that research shows that when men are awakened while having a wet dream, they aren't even having a sexual dream at all. A wet dream is the body's way of keeping the plumbing running, nothing more.
If you can't take your own ego out of this issue, then you should go to talk to someone. Until you can get your wounded ego out of the equation, you won't ever be able to talk effectively to him on the subject. The last thing he needs is to deal with the additional burden of worrying about whether his warts are hurting your ego!
When you get yourself in hand, then talk to him. Ask him to explain why he thinks he's avoiding intercourse. If he's afraid of pain or more outbreaks, maybe you both can come up with other forms of sexual activity that would be comfortable for you both.
Remember that when you do return to intercourse that he should use a condom so that he doesn't transmit the virus that causes the warts to you.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show