He's Accusing You of Seeing Someone Else
February 18, 2003 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
my boyfirend is quite ill in hospital and he keeps accusing me of seeing someone else and he won't let me go to see him.
I feel that he is pushing me away because he does not want me to wait around for him and wait on him hand and foot please help i don't know what to do i love him so much. thank you
It is my impression that your boyfriend is not comfortable with feelings of dependency, weakness or vulnerability--all the feelings that are aroused when a person is sick. By creating the illusion that you are two-timing him, his unconscious mind arranges for him to feel furious at you.
When a person is all puffed up with anger, he/she feels less helpless. When he says that he doesn't want you to wait on him it's most likely because your caretaking him underscores his feelings of dependency. When he says that he doesn't want you to wait around for him, he may be feeling guilty to burden you and perhaps he wants to free you before you come to resent him.
There are so many other possibilities that I'd rather have him tell you the actual reason behind his reaction. I would ask him how it makes him feel when you wait around and likewise how he feels when you wait on him. When he tells you how he feels, then ask him what his objection is to feeling such feelings, which are all part of the normal reaction to what is happening to him right now. Then go on to explain to him that because he wants to get rid of his feelings, he is maneuvering to get rid of you. By pushing you away, he unconsciously arranges to make many of his feeling disappear.
Each time he sees you these feelings return. He needs to be helped to see that it would be better for him and for you if he were to tolerate these feelings and remain in the connection. He may also be pushing you away in an effort to do what he thinks is best for you--to spare you grief and worry. You will need to tell him that he has no right to make decisions on your own behalf. If he wants you out of his life that 's one thing, but if he is pushing you away because he thinks it's best for you, then that 's not Kosher.
You need to say what's best for you, not he. If you can get him to face his feelings, he will probably realize that they aren't so unbearable and that he doesn't need to evict you from his life in order to escape them. On the same note, if you can help him to see that you don't wish for him to take your feelings away either by sending you packing. Let me know how you make out and good luck.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show