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He Cheated During Both of Your Pregnancies
April 30, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I met a guy 4 yrs ago whilst traveling and he moved countries to be with me. We had a really great relationship; enjoyed being together and were very comfortable & talked a lot.
After 2 years of living together I had a miscarriage and he confessed after this that he had been unfaithful. We split & didn't see each other for 2 months after which time we started spending time together again.
He seemed to have changed or at least grown up a bit.
I got pregnant again and after about 6 weeks he wanted me to have an abortion. I didn't understand why but he confessed that he felt like a phony as he had cheated on me again. I split with him & decided to go it alone.
He is now really happy about my pregnancy and offers me support. He is working away from my hometown and spent a lot of money coming down for 1 night so he could come to my 20 week scan. He is desperate to be a family and although I have serious doubts about whether he will be loyal to me, I wonder whether I should give my baby a chance of having 2 parents together or stick to my original plan to go it alone.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and our relationship was so good apart from the infidelity & I believe he loves me and wants to make a go of things and be a happy family.
I think that being a parent can be life-changing and maybe things can be different but at the same time, he couldn't be faithful before so would why he be now?
What a brave woman you are! It took so much courage to decide to go it alone rather than stay in a relationship in which you were being degraded.
I completely understand your hesitation and it is certainly well founded. Why wouldn't he cheat again? I had the odd sensation that his cheating was connected in some way to your being pregnant. I say this because I noticed that both his acts of infidelity seemed to occur right after you became pregnant.
If this is true, then he probably has an unresolved issue related to'sharing' his mother with a sibling. Perhaps his mother became pregnant too soon after his birth. If so, then he would have all kinds of buried negative feelings about having been dropped or left. These feelings would then surface each time you become pregnant.
Before you can abandon him, he abandons you by cheating on you and precipitating the end of the relationship.
The problem is that your boyfriend is completely unaware of the unconscious emotional factors that are fueling his infidelity. I wouldn't feel safe to resume the relationship unless he has a handle on the issues and is working them through.
Otherwise, you're going to get cheated on again. Perhaps when the baby is born or when you spend too much time with the child; or perhaps when you become pregnant with a second child.
I would tell him what I said and explain that in order for you to feel comfortable resuming a live-in relationship you need to be confident that he is working on the problem. To help him identify the early wounds that fuel his fleeing, I would have him use my Personality Profile consultation. This will help us uncover the source of his problem and give him step-by-step instructions on how to heal the wound or wounds that are detected.
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