- Dr. Love in the Media
Haven't Gotten Over My Ex
May 21, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I just got married about a month ago, and everything is great in the marriage, more than I could ever want. My problem is that I still haven't gotten over my ex, and I don't want this to come between my husband and I.
I've tried talking to my husband about it, but he gets upset over it. I'm not too sure about what to do now. How can I stop this from ruining my marriage?
You say you haven't gotten over your ex. We need to be much more clear on what you're holding on to. Do you still feel that you love your ex? Are you hanging on to a grudge? It's necessary for you to clarify what you're holding on to.
If you've been reading my columns for a while, you would know that when we feel unable to let go a person or issue, then you can be sure that the reason is due to unfinished/unhealed childhood business.
Let me explain. Since all of us have suffered wounds during our formative years, it is inevitable that we choose mates whom we hope will help us to heal these wounds. For example, if your father was cold, you will choose a cold husband/lover and try to win the love from your mate that you never could get from your father. This is what's called a repetition compulsion. The compulsion to heal is so strong, that we will find ourselves unable or unwilling to let go. No matter how hopeless the relationship seems, no matter how impossible and unresponsive our mate is, we still find it hard to let go. This is because letting go feels like giving up all hope of ever healing the original wound.
I think if you reflect on what I said, you will be able to recognize which of your parents your ex represented to you and what wound you were trying to heal with him. If you need more help identifying your wound, use my Personality Profile. The Profile will also help you to heal the wound that is detected. As the wound heals, your feeling of not being able to let go of your ex will dissolve all by itself.
When you explain to your husband that your attachment to your ex is due to unfinished business, I am sure that he will feel less threatened and upset.
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