- Love Club
Girl Whose Mom Doesn't Like Her Boyfriend
September 4, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I'm 17 years old, and have been going out with my 19 year old boyfriend for 2 years and three months. It's a great relationship, and I am generally very happy with him.
The problem is my mom. About a month ago, she just snapped and told me that I'm too good for him, that I won't get anything out the relationship, and that I better 'buckle down'and find someone better.
Of course, I was completely heartbroken. It was very much like a slap in the face, and an insult. She has since apologized, but now it's like everytime I go out with my boyfriend, I feel like I am doing something wrong. It has made me very anxious and depressed. I want to please my mom and make her happy, but I also don't wan't to break things off with my boyfriend prematurely. Please help me!
Your mom did a terrible thing. She opened her mouth and inserted her foot, breaking your heart in the process. I know that you say you are anxious and depressed. You didn't tell me that you are angry, which I am sure you are.
She has placed you in an awful bind. Please her and deny your heart, or listen to your heart and displease her. I am worried that you are on the verge of pleasing her when I hear you say I don't want to break things off PREMATURELY. The word prematurely means that you are planning to break off with him, you just don't want to do it too soon! You need to find out why you would allow your mother 's negative judgment rule you.
So what if she doesn't like your choice? She isn't with him, you are? Why did your mother need to sabotage your relationship? You sound level headed to me, and if you think that he's a worthy partner, then why can't your mother see what you see?
I am wondering if your mother is jealous, possessive and unwilling to let you go? Sounds like she has you wrapped around her finger. She seems to know just what to say to make you jump.
If I were you, I would examine the entire nature of your relationship. Understand the deeper motivations of her comment; why she needed to break you up; why she wouldn't let you decide for yourself who is right for you; why you feel the need to please her at your own expense.
If she won't go to family therapy with you, then you go on your own. And, don't, I repeat don't, break up with this boy until you understand much more about the deeper dynamics that drove her to do what she did, as well as what drives you to obey her against your own better judgment.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show