- Work with Dr. Turndorf
A Friend Who Judges Me
April 18, 2005 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dearest Dr. Love, I truly hope that you are well and happy. You deserve it. You touch so many with your advice and your kind words. Thank you kindly. I would be grateful if you could please help me. . .
I feel very confused, hurt and betrayed. I have been friends with a young man ever since I was 15 years old (I am now 24) and he is someone I truly care about, like a brother. I thought I could confide in him and that he would support me and try to understand whatever decisions I make.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. . . I told him that I have been in a relationship with a married man for about 2 years. He knows how I feel about what I'm doing, how guilty and ashamed I feel. It happened when I was going through depression and I was hopeless. . .
Unfortunately, I fell in love with this man, and I still love him very much. It didn't seem to matter to my friend, at first. He actually thought that it was exciting. But then, after a couple of months, he started telling me that I am being selfish, that I have no conscience, that I have no right to have the feelings of love towards my partner because he is not mine, he belongs to another woman. . . He was truly hurtful.
I cried many times in front of him but he seemed not to care. I never told him my boyfriend's last name or address, but he made a few calls and looked on the internet and was able to find his last name and address and other information about him. . . I am terrified that he might call my boyfriend up and cause problems for his family, and I'm afraid that he might also call my parents to tell them about my married boyfriend. . .
My father would literally kill me. He is violent and abusive and very old-fashioned. . . Also, my twin sister left the house recently because the environment was too violent. And as much as I love her, I can't have her stay with me.
She takes drugs, and smokes and drinks and sleeps around. . . I feel really sorry for her and I wish I could help her, but I can't. She needs professional help but she doesn't seem to want it. . . Having her stay with me would make me depressed again.
I worked so hard to get a full-time job, to get a university degree, to find balance somehow. . . I felt like he was beginning to be a little jealous because I am achieving something, and he is still jobless and has no degree and is very depressed. . . He also judged me about not helping my sister. He called me selfish and heartless and he said that it's my responsibility to take my sister in, that it's the right thing to do. He even asked me what I would tell Jesus, when I die, about why I didn't take care of my sister?
We got into a big argument about it all and I tried to make him understand that I am not perfect and that he has no right to judge me, even if he doesn't agree with my choices. Finally, all he did was tell me that I just lost a friend and he got up and left.
That was 2 weeks ago and he hasn't called me since. . . I don't know what to do, what to think. . . I have a hard time letting go and this is just killing me. I know that I am not perfect and that going out with a married man is terribly wrong, and I truly wish that I could erase my mistakes. . .
Everything is a big blur and the pain I am feeling is overwhelming. I have not fully recovered from my depression, I am still on medication and I am vulnerable.
Please help, please. . . I trust in your advice and in your words. They will make me feel better, I know they will. . . Take good care and be well.
The kind words you shared with me in your letter tell me what a giving and loving person you are. I see such a contrast between how you treat me and how you are treated by others. You should be receiving from others the same loving treatment that you give to me.
Even though you have physically separated from your violent and abusive father, I am afraid that he has been reincarnated in--guess who--your friend. Even though your friend didn't physically beat you, he verbally attacked and assaulted you, tearing you to psychological shreds. You are so accustomed to being mistreated that you don't even realize that you have been abused.
Your father gave himself license to abuse you and because of this your psyche has been programmed to believe that abuse is normal and acceptable. It's not. I know that you are attached to and care for your friend, but he isn't a good friend for you to have. You should surround yourself with people who treat you the way you treat others!
It's better to be a hermit rather than have a friend who tears you down.
As for your sister, your friend is wrong again. If she is a toxic influence on you, then you shouldn't be having contact with her either. I know you feel guilty about the affair you've been having, but that doesn't mean you have to act on your guilt by attacking yourself or giving anyone else license to do so.
Instead of condemning yourself for having an affair with a married man, try to understand why the affair is occurring. You see, we humans become attached to people who abuse us. I know it sounds crazy but it's actually harder to separate from an abusive or abandoning parent than to separate from a loving parent.
Imagine pushing away from the table when you haven't even had your meal yet. It's the same thing with a parent who mistreats or neglects you; you remain love starved and find it hard to let go of the parent. Even though you have cut your father out of your life, your heart is still attached to dad and the hope of finding his love.
Falling for a married man is a sign of how attached you still are to your dad. To the unconscious mind, a married man symbolizes dad--the quintessential married man. I am sure that your unconscious mind hopes that this married man will give you the love that your dad never could give you. Perhaps your married man actually does give you more love and kindness than your dad ever did.
Whatever this man does give you feels like a cool drink of water to someone who is dying of dehydration in the desert. It's sure hard to give up what you are getting from this man. So understand and be kind to yourself about your attachment. Your attachment to him will gradually become unnecessary as you heal the abused child inside yourself.
I also see your attachment to your father expressed through your loyalty to him. You abuse yourself and let friends abuse you, as a way of saying, 'See dad, I'm still your girl. . . . you can still mistreat me.' It's like never having left him!
The only way for you to feel better is to surround yourself with loving people and allow them to feed and nourish you. As long as you return to the empty well and try to get love from people who can't give it, you will remain miserable.
I urge you to join a therapy group in your area and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Their love will heal and nourish you as well as become the model for how you must treat yourself and how you must expect others to treat you.
Take care and keep in touch.
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show