- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Former Energizer Rabbit
April 17, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
My boyfriend is really in love with me. . . he tells me all the time and want to marry me etc (I am only 20 and don't want to marry for another 7 years at leat. . . he understands this).
When we first started dating I drank a lot and was hence a energiser rabbit when it came to sex.
After about 6 months of dating I totally stopped drinking and gradually also lost my sex drive.
He is very understanding and says that if I don't want sex then thats alright with him. But I know its not. . . he loooves sex. There are other issues here, such as him lying to me. . . not about anything serious, just little white lies, which end up really hurting me, I have told him this but he says that he would never lie about something important. I also realise why he does lie, his mother is very nosey and controlling.
There is also an issue of personal hygene and his appearance. He is quite good looking but takes not pride in what he looks like. Also missing a shower or forgetting to brush his teeth means nothing to him. Then he wonders why I don't want to kiss him.
I am not sure if I love him, I think maybe as a friend only. but I don't want to hurt him by telling him these things. please help. Thanks
The first thing you said in your letter is that your sex drive dwindled right after you stopped drinking. You seem to make a link between the two events, and I wonder why.
If anything, alcohol, by depressing the central nervous system, cuts down on a person's sex drive and performance. True, alcohol lowers a person's inhibitions, which means that he or she may feel freer sexually, but sensations and performance are definately diminished by alcohol, as I said. If your sex drive diminished after you stopped drinking, then I would wonder why.
If I had to guess, I would say that when you stopped numbing yourself with alcohol, then your unconscious mind took over and numbed you in its own way by cutting off your sexual feelings. Numbing you to feelings is an unconscious form of protection.
What do you need to be protected from? For one thing, his lies. If you feel that he can't be trusted, then the last thing you would want to do is to surrendor to him sexually. One way to protect yourself is to become numb sexually. No desire. No sex. No letting go. No risk.
It is also possible that your unconscious mind is protecting you from your own anger. Instead of owning how angry you feel to be lied to, your mind seems to be cutting off from feelings of anger. Instead you are numb. You don't feel anger, and you don't feel sexual either.
Basically, I would be treating the lack of desire as a symptom of a deeper issue. That he lies and that you don't feel safe enough to let down your guard.He needs to be working in therapy on his habit of lying.
Meanwhile, you need to examine why you would want to be involved with someone who lies to you. Realize that the unconscious draws us to people who meet deep needs inside ourselves. I know you are thinking, why would I need to be lied to? If you've been reading my column for a while, then you know that we recreate what's familiar to us. If you felt that your parent(s) lied to you, then choosing a partner who you can't trust feels right at home for you. Keeping your distance and cutting off sexually would also feel right at home.
If I were you I would figure out why you need to be with a partner who you don't feel safe with. I would also be asking myself what do I gain by staying with someone who keeps me feeling numb and cut-off sexually. When you figure this out, then you can begin to work on healing the wounds that have led you to this choice.
Unless you do this work, you will find yourself unable to trust others and to have normal sexual feelings. Let me know what your soul-searching yields.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
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Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
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Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
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author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
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-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
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Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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