- Work with Dr. Turndorf
February 12, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I need to know what you think, because I really don't know what to do.
Bill & I will be married 22 years in June. He is 47, I'm 44. The first 20 years were great. We have 3 children, 21, 20, 18. As you can see the first 20 years evolved around our children. I don't have any complaint, and neither does he that our 20 years were built around the family. We have never spent our married life except for the first 9 months of marriage (which was wonderful) without children .
All we do now is work, eat, sleep, pay bills, and entertain ourselves with our kids, and their friends. We moved 10 years ago, and never really developed friendships where we now live. Bill doesn't seem to be interested in me. I'm starting to wonder, do I want to stay with him, and not be cared about.
He still says he loves me, he kisses me hello and good night, but it lacks sincerity. Do we love each other because of the many years we have together, and we feel like we are each others family. All I want him to do is Love me, laugh with me, enjoy my company, but I don't know what can be done to see if he can do this with me. I keep avoiding this whole thing, hoping it will go away, and we can once again feel like best friends.
I miss him so much!! I hope you can guide me, because I need to stop feeling soooo SAD ! We went to Counseling for a total of about 10 sessions, we bought a small boat, which was something we both always wanted, things were improving and he didn't think we needed counseling anymore (my thoughts were that it was just a start, and I wanted to continue with the counseling because we needed to improve on our communication skills, but we didn't continue, and 3 months later we started drifting apart).
Anyway, he doesn't think counseling can help us because we tried it once, so he won't go back. We have a wonderful loving family, He is in a advancing career, I'm in a job of 10 years I don't care for, but have remained because financially it would be too difficult for the family for me to leave, so I feel stuck.
If you can please let me know what you think and what the next step is ASAP I would really appreciate it.
You are not only feeling stuck, you are stuck because you feel completely powerless over your situation. Your husband knows that you aren't going anywhere, so he has no impetus to be more responsive to you. If your marriage is going to improve, you are going to need to find your power.
You are going to need to do whatever you must in order to feel that you can and will leave if your needs aren't met. How you get to this point is up to you. Do you need to go back to school? Get a better job? Whatever it is, start doing it. When a husband senses that his wife is working toward her independence, he usually begins to change.
When your husband knows that you mean business, he will get down to business and work on the relationship and keeping you. Until then, he will coast. Keep in mind that the more you whine, nag, beg and complain about your needs not being met, the more you insure that they won't ever be met. Nagging and ragging causes him to feel guilty and angry. No one feels like being giving when he's angry.
I'm not saying that you aren't entitled feel mad at him for his lack of responsiveness. I am simply saying that the method you are using to attempt to get your needs met is keeping you empty. When you feel stronger, then you will feel more willing to assert yourself and your needs. You won't beg him to return to couples therapy, you will tell him that he needs to join you in working on improving this marriage.
When you are strong and mean business, he will come with you. You also need to become aware of how dependent you feel in life and in relationship to him. When you talk about wanting to have fun and have your friend back, you are passively waiting for him to give you fun and friendship.Instead of waiting for him, why don't you initiate what you want?
You schedule something fun and enjoyable and invite him. If he refuses to join you, then go have fun yourself. I have the sense that you and your husband are locked in a power struggle. The more you rag and nag him for not meeting your needs, the angrier and more withholding he gets. You feel more and more deprived and nag more. In order to break this deadlock, you need to change your tune by getting on with your life, having fun with or without him, and claiming your power.
Once you start to shift, you will be amazed at how he steps up to the plate!
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"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show