- Dr. Love's Appearances
Engaged to be Married and Still in Love with Your Ex
April 16, 2007 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I am 29, mother of 1 (3 year girl) engaged to her father who I have been with for 6 years. Wedding date is 2. 5 months away.
From the beginning our relationship has been a rocky one. Lots of arguments, many in front of our daughter. But if my daughter had not come into the picture I know I would have broken it off long ago. But 6 years later and I haven't had the guts to do anything about.
I love him cause he's the father of my child and because I have spent the last 6 years with him. I know that he loves me totally and would be crushed to find out any different.
My problem is. I am still in love with my ex who I dated for 4 years before my current man. 7 years after we stopped seeing each other and I am still in love with him. I recently decided that I had to confront him and tell him how I felt, and asked him to tell me that he was happy with his life and that I needed to get married and move on.
Instead he tells me he stills loves me and always will love me. So now I sit totally confused not wanting to hurt my fiancee and call off a wedding so late. I feel I have made my bed and know I need to lie in it.
Don't get me wrong, marrying him wouldn't be that bad I just know in my heart who I love.
Help me please, I have recently gone on antidepressants and have lost weight all over this situation. I feel sick to my stomach on what to do.
This is really a tough call. You say that you still love your ex. No matter how much you love him, you did end the relationship with him. I assume that you ended the relationship because there were some serious problems in that relationship.
How can you be sure that the love you feel for him will be enough to sustain your relationship a second time around? Your love wasn't enough to keep you together the last time around. How do you know that you won't want to break up with him again? You need to seriously consider whether you have a tendency to exit relationships when things get rough.
Now things are rough with your fiancee and you're thinking about going back with the ex. Then when things get rough with him what will you do? Take a hike? Form another relationship and what will you do when that relationship gets rough?
Commitment involves making a choice to invest 100% in one person, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, till death do you part. All relationships have struggles and problems. Some times we feel so angry that we doubt whether we still love our partners; sometimes we actually may believe that we loved a former partner more and that we should return to him/her.
Are you glamorizing the relationship with the ex and making it into something more than it was? If the love had been so strong, why did you leave him?
I know you love the man you're with. You loved him enough to have him be the father of your child. I also know you've been fighting a lot and fighting does erode feelings of love. I have seen many cases in which love blossoms when couples learn how to stop fighting.
My book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will show you how to resolve your conflicts and how to stop the endless fight cycles that you're trapped in now. I have a strong sense that you will feel closer to him when you stop fighting.
Also keep in mind that there are many people that we are capable of loving. You loved your ex, you love your fiancee . You could love many others.
At some point, you need to close the door to other options and work to make whatever relationship you choose be a working and happy relationship.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show