Does She or Doesn't She Love You
December 2, 2002 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
I have a girlfriend and we have been going out for over a month, i know this isnt really that long but i am so in love with her its crazy. I have never felt this way about anyone before and its driving me mad, i don't know what she is feeling, which is my problem. I feel that she doesn't want me and that im just there.
She says she loves me alot and we spend time together, but i feel she still doesn't want to be with me. Just recently she has been spending a lot of time with her friends and just seeing me a little bit, she hasn't been SMS'ing me or calling me often, and i'm taking this as she doesn't want to talk/be with me.
I'm confused, she says she loves me and all that, but i cant help feeling this way, what should i do ?
You sound in a state of panic. Whenever your girlfriend is away from you, you are experiencing what I think is abandonment anxiety--that is you're afraid that she doesn't love you anymore and that she is going to drop you.
This type of terror usually stems from a wound sustained during early childhood, usually when the child is eighteen to twenty four months old. During this phase, the child begins to separate from mom, but he/she needs to return to mom often for reassurance that she is still there and still loves him or her.
If the mother has unresolved separation issues from her own childhood she may either force her child not to separate, which makes the child anxious and/or she may punish the child for separating and ignore him when he tries to return to her for reassurances, which also makes the child fearful to stray from her.
The terror you feel when you are separated from your girlfriend sounds to me like a replay of an earlier experience that didn't go right. Try to recall any and all memories of your early life. See if you can make the link between then and now.
Then study how this girl differs from your mom. Is she really pulling away from you the way your mom did? If you can say that this girl is different from mom, then just seeing reality may help you to get perspective on this situation.
If you still feel stuck, then find yourself a therapist who specialized in modern psychoanalysis. This type of therapy is especially geared for helping people to heal emotional problems that stem from very early in one's life.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love.”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show