- Dr. Love in the Media
Can't Stand the Thought of Making Love to Him
May 24, 1999 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dear Dr. Love, My fiance and I have been together for over 2 yrs. now. I love him very much but for some reason I can't even stand the thought of making love to him anymore. It has nothing to do with the way he makes love b/c he is terrific in bed, but I just don't desire him sexually like I use to.
I don't know what to do.
I love him so much but when it comes down to it, having sex with him is something that I don't even think about it anymore. I would like to think that it is only a phase but I don't really know what it is. He constantly wants sex and we constantly fight about it. I don't have the urge to sleep with him everyday and he on the other hand could do it all day long.
Please Dr. Love tell me what I should do? Is our relationship on the line b/c of this? Why do I feel this way about him when it comes to sex? Sincerely, Confused
To resolve this issue, we need to find out why your sexual desire for him disappeared?
Here are the questions you need to ask yourself:
First, can I trace the loss of my desire to a particular event that occurred between us? In other words, when did my desire up and leave? Was it an abrupt ending or a gradual dwindling?
Unresolved anger is a major anti-aphrodisiac, and I have to wonder if you are angry at him. In fact, you sound sexually repulsed by him. Since you were attracted to him before and aren't now something had to have happened to explain your change of heart.
I have a hunch that you are pissed off at him over his wanting sex every day. It sounds like you both have gotten into a power struggle over sex and that your numbness may be a way of punishing him for demanding too much sex from you. Does that fit?
I would also want to know if your sex drive is gone all together or if it's only gone when it comes to him. If you only feel dead where he's concerned, that 's another clue that you are sitting on unresolved anger toward him. If your drive is gone all together, then we need to check out the possibility of hormone imbalances, excess stress, depression, etc. .
So do some self-exploration. Find out when the loss of drive began and study whether the deadness extends beyond him.
These questions should help narrow down the problem. Once you figure out what the problem is, we can begin to heal it. Good luck. I hope that I have pointed you in the right direction.
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