- Work with Dr. Turndorf
Can't See the Light
April 9, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hello Dr. Turndorf,
This is my situation. I just moved to the east coast after my live-in boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. We both lived in the west coast, where he's from.
The last 9 months were very hard because I had separated from the military and couldn't find a good job right away, adding strain to our lives. But we were dealing with things and things were starting to get better in the last 2 months, we had plans and we were 'happy'. . . Or so I thought. This man was ALWAYS the sweetest thing to me, he took good care of me, told me he loved me and that I was the woman he had been looking for all his life, etc. . .
I'm also a 'giver' so I did the best I could to be the pest partner to him (in every way). We respected each other very much and had lots of comunication, and lots of laughs, as well! But, from one week to the next, he changed. Not in a mean way, but just looked stressed and dejected. I would ask him what was wrong and he'd always say he was just stressed from work.
Then one day I foud a letter of his to a friend, I read it cause I thought it was for me since it was not hidden or anything and he never kept things from me. This letter said that he was cofused, tired, needed a break from'us' and didn't know how to break it to me because he knew that would hurt me and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
I asked him about that letter and he broke down crying telling me all these things I didn't have a clue about. He never told me the way he felt and when I found out it was too late. . . He wanted to break up with me. I didn't have any money or family I could stay with after the break up so we had to share the appt. we lived in till I saved up some $ to leave. I had to stay there, for a whole month, with this guy that didn't want me anymore and that was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through! I was so in-love still and I was so cofused, because he said it had nothing to do with me.
That I was 'always wonderful' and still his 'best friend'; it was issues (parental relationship, commitment and other baggage from the past I didn't know he still had) and he needed to be alone. He said he was sorry a million times but he had to do this for him and for me too, in the long run. That some day I would'thank him for this '. .
At the begining of the break- up we treated each other as friends, then we went into 'just cordial' mode, but when time started passing by he started getting colder and colder till he turned into a complete ASSHOLE!(So sorry, but there's no other word for it). He just turned into a complete stranger, a person I never knew he could be; soul-less. . .
I finally left without saying good-bye, what for? Just left one morning after he left for work. I figure, he couldn't wait till I got out of there, so why put myself through THAT drama! Everything was said already, it was juts time to start the 'moving on' process. Now, I'm starting a new job (flight attendant), I'm finally relocating to NYC, where I wanted to live for a long time, and 'my life' is moving on (something I'm proud of!). . . But my 'feelings' are NOT moving on along with the rest of me.
We have to keep in touch because of some bills and stuff still pending, but when I talk to him I'm quite'dry', ' because I'm still so angry and hurt that he just ' discarded' me like that without me having a 'say ' about it. I never got a REAL explanation of what I had to do with everything and why was I the loser here. What happened to all'the love' that he said he felt for me? He said he still cared, but at the end, he was't showing it AT ALL!
-So Doctor, what do YOU see in my behavior AND his? Why am I so angry and hurt? Why do I feel like I'll never get over this? I feel like I wasted 3 years OF MY LOVE. Sometimes I feel like I'll lose my mind, I'm tired of crying, and of feeling almost HATE toward this person because I feel he damaged something in me, and he took all the things I loved away from me. I can't see the light, it feels like it keeps getting darker and time doesn't heal anything, it just makes me feel worse. I need help. . .
This has been quite long, but thank you so much for reading on.
Your letter broke my heart. You have been discarded and all your feelings of hurt, anger, and even hate are normal. You are right that time won't heal your wounds. The first step in your healing process is to drain off the poison that has been deposited inside you. The only way to do this is by talking and talking.
The biggest wrong that has been done to you is that he didn't communicate his doubts until he was ready to end the relationship. Then he dropped the bomb on your head, after he had already made up his mind!
One of the hardest things to deal with in life is feeling out-of-control over your fate. When you are placed in such a position, the natural reaction is to feel damaged, victimized, and filled with impotent rage. I think that you are feeling worse instead of better because you aren't in touch with your rage. The buried rage is literally eating you alive.
In order to heal, you must give adequate air time to your feelings of anger and hate. Don't force yourself to turn the other cheek or forgive and forget before you are truly ready to do so. Allow the rage to run its full course. That may mean that you feel like a bitch-on-wheels, 24/7, which is fine. Just honor your feelings. When you own the rage, your feeling of hopelessness and despair will lessen. Then, you can move to the next stage in the letting go process: examine the relationship from start to finish.
The purpose of this examination is to learn and grow from what you discover. This understanding is what will give you the courage to start another relationship. Without this understanding, you will find it hard to trust and love again. I know everything seemed good to you. Looking back over the relationship, were there any warning signs that you may have overlooked? I know you said that he spoke about everything--or so you thought. Were there signs that he wasn't talking about all his feelings? Was he sitting on his negative feelings?
Many people bury their feelings of anger, and let them fester until they feel the need to end relationship. Meanwhile, the partner who is left never knew that there was a single problem, let alone that the end was coming. What you want to do is learn from this experience so that you will be better able to protect yourself next time around. If, for example, you realize that your boyfriend never voiced his negative feelings, you will be aware of the dangers of buried anger in future relationships.
Because many people are unable to voice their negative or mixed feelings, this puts the burden on you to check in with your partner in order to make sure that you are hearing what you need to know before it's too late. In an ideal world, your partner would be healthy enough to clue you in on his own. But, we don't live in an ideal world. Make no mistake. You aren't responsible for what your boyfriend did. It wasn't your job to scan his communications and draw out his negative or mixed feelings. He didn't clue you in until it was too late, and that was his problem.
I just want you to learn from this disaster so that next time around the other person's problem doesn't become yours all over again. I know that you feel that you will never be able to trust another person, let alone love again. But, I know that you will. You have too much love to give not to love again. As you learn more about what went wrong, you will also teach yourself to be more aware of relationship danger zones (such as a partner who doesn't voice angry feelings).
There is another thing you are going to be more mindful of in the future: how a person's childhood baggage can render him/her unready for a relationship. Next time around, you will be armed to make a better choice of mate. When you find your next potential partner, use my Ready for Love? test, which will help you determine whether that person has too much baggage to be able to form a relationship with you. Keep in touch and let me know how you progress in your healing process.
Free Gift With Purchase
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
LIVE on Hay House Radio network!
"Love Never Dies is guaranteed to give immense hope to those grieving the perceived loss of a loved one. Dr. Jamie Turndorf, together with her husband, Jean, now in spirit, provide stunning evidence of the continuity of love and life, along with the tools to help anyone connect with those in the unseen world."
Author of Messages of Hope
"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“Dr. Turndorf's extraordinary memoir/self-help book provides astonishing proof that we don't die and that we are meant to reconnect and stay connected to loved ones in spirit. Read this book, learn her powerful new method for reconnecting and making peace with the deceased, and you will transform your grief to joy.”
-- Fr. Richard Rohr,
Founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), and bestselling author of Falling Upward
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary. As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
“Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one.”
-- Margaret Lane,
“Midwest Book Review”
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating. So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection. I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show