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Can't Lose the Love of My Life
April 16, 2001 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. I absolutely adore him. I thought everything was fine in our marriage until he told me 2 and a half weeks ago that he was not happy. During that conversation, he told me that he thought we had something worth saving and he wanted to try. He also said that he felt like we needed to go to counseling.
His major complaint was that we don't make love often enough. (Typically only once or twice a month). I'm 23 and he's 29, so I realize that this is not normal. I had a baby when I was 18, and ever since then, sex has been painful for me. I often bleed afterward. My husband knows this, but still doesn't engage in enough foreplay to get me 'ready. '
As soon as we had this conversation, my whole mindset regarding lovemaking changed dramatically. If I had only known how much he was hurting, I would have not pushed him away so often. I didn't realize how rejected I was making him feel. The week after this conversation, I travelled to Memphis with him. I initiated lovemaking everyday, but by the 3rd day, he began pushing me away.
The day after we got home, he said that he was leaving. He took enough clothes for his current business trip. Rather than coming home for Easter, he chose to stay alone in Memphis. He won't even talk to his mother about this, and they are very close. The first phone conversation we had after he left was awful. All he wanted to talk about was who was going to take which furniture.
At first, I cried uncontrollably, but then I started dividing up possessions. Then, he got upset and said that he needed to go. I talked with his mother after that and she told me that I shouldn't give up on him, especially since he tells her that he's worried about how I feel. I called him and told him that I don't want to give up on us and I don't want a divorce. I love him! It's all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings and go to work (I teach at his alma mater).
Now, I've sent him some emails telling him how I feel, but on the phone, he says he's not ready to talk, so we just make small talk about our days. Also, I am willing to accept responsiblity for part of the problem, but Kevin never shows me any affection. He won't hold my hand or put his arm around me in public. Now, that makes me feel terribly rejected. I told him that, too. What should I/we do?
I'm willing to try just about anything, but I don't know if he is. Help, please! I can't lose the love of my life. Thank you.
I can see why you are so upset. Your husband has pulled the rug out from under you, and he's done it without warning. I am afraid that there is more to this story than meets the eye.
Your husband seems to be in serious denial about his own own issues. He prefers to direct his focus outside of himself and onto you by saying that the problem is YOU and your not giving him frequent enough sex. As you can see, the problem is more complicated, since he pulled away after three days of your giving him the sex that he said he wanted. The fact that he ran away when he received what he said he wanted means that he has mixed feelings about being close.
What's more, as long as you weren't giving him sex he could use you as the excuse for his discontent. Once you called his bluff and gave it to him, he was left with nowhere to hide. He had to run rather than look at his own issues.
At this point the only thing that you can do is to confront him. You have nothing to lose (he's already gone) and everything to gain. What's more, if you don't shake him up and make him start to face his own issues, he could easily slip away. You could start by asking him why he felt the need to leave right after he began getting what he said he wanted. Then you might point out that he seems terrified of closeness (he ran when you came closer). You might point out that as unhappy as he was with the infrequent sex, it seems that it was more comfortable to him than actually getting the sex. Then, you might ask him if he knows what he is afraid of and why.
You also would want to tell him that he shouldn't be making any changes (leaving, formally separating, etc. ) until he is understands what's going on inside himself. Tell him that whenever a person feels the urgency to act (in this case to leave the house) it is because unconscious thoughts and feelings are getting stirred up; the action is designed to escape the emotional pressure. Tell him that he can run but he can't hide from himself.
If he runs now, he'll need to keep on running for the rest of his life, meaning that he will never have a relationship that lasts. Tell him that if he leaves you and starts up with someone else, he can be sure that the same feelings will erupt in him again; then what's he going to do, take another hike? Tell him that he needs to face whatever feelings or fears are inside him and work on resolving them. He can either do this work with you, or run and be forced to do this work with his next partner. I have given you a lot of angles to take.
Put his foot to the fire and make him look at himself. This is your only hope. Let me know how you make out.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
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So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
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-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
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Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
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Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
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Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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Syndicated Radio Host
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Host, The Matt Townsend Show