- Dr. Love's Appearances
Is Anything Wrong with Me or Him
May 2, 2005 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Hi Dr. Love,
I love your responses to the columns and I wish there were more persons like you who would do this type of job as good as you do.don't know where to start since this is really hard for me.
Let me start from the beginning. My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 1/2 years of dating when he broke up with me in 2000. I was hurt because he was my first and only guy whom I had ever had sexual relations with. He didn't have a good reason for the break up. We just had an argument as usual. I assume we would get back together, but after a week I gave up since we never broke up for more than a day before this.
That same weekend I went out with another ex-boyfriend of mine whom I only dated for a month back in 1998. It had been since 1998 that I hadn't seen him and the sparks flew right away. I fell in love with him just like I did the first time we met in 1998 and now it was 2000 (2 years later).
We immediately began dating and it was only a week later that my exboyfriend calls and decides he wants to work things out and get back with me. I told him that I had found somebody else and didn't want to be with him anymore.
He began stalking me and threatened to kill himself if I didn't go back with him. I was very scared and I decided to give him hope and still talk to him as friends. He sent me flowers and took me to dinner trying to conquer me again.
At the same time I was with my new boyfriend who knew that my ex was threatening me and how I was still talking to him to help him out. This went on for about 4 months until I couldn't handle the situation of dating my boyfriend and still talking to my ex-boyfriend because my boyfriend was really getting upset and backing away from me.
My boyfriend didn't want to see me at times and I began dating my ex again. I decided to go back with him and work things out since my feelings were coming back again and the other boyfriend wasn't around anymore. He had backed away out of anger or whatever reason.
Six months passed and out of nowhere my boyfriend finds out that I had been sexually active with the other guy when I was dating him and I confessed the truth. My boyfriend believed he was the only one still and when he found out I had slept with someone else it hurt his pride and he didn't see me the same.
Then things changed and my boyfriend didn't want to be with me. Another 6 months later after still being together again he decided to break up with me. He didn't give me any reason other than that he needed time to be alone. I was again very hurt and didn't understand what had happened since we were doing okay.
I found out 2 months later that he had been seeing someone else and I was still talking to him and sleeping with him even though we were broken up. When I found out he was with another I told him that I had hopes but now that it was over I didn't want to see him again.
He cried and brought a mariachi band to my house and asked for forgiveness and for me to marry him. I was very touched and forgave him. Then we went back and another month later he confessed that he may have made that other girl pregnant and it's best we separate. He said he would not leave if she's not pregnant and this hurt me very much but thank God she was not but still he confessed he was confused about me and the other person.
I told him he had to choose because he couldn't be with both. At the end he decided to stay with me and everything was working out and 2 years later he proposed to me and we decided to get married in 6 months. Those 6 months I planned what he wanted, which was a big wedding with all the family from out of town and I made reservations in a big hall with food. etc.
One week before the wedding after everything was paid for he tells me he doesn't want to get married because he simply changed his mind and is having second thoughts. I encouraged him and told him not to think like that and he said okay let's do it.
Then one day before our wedding I received a call from a woman, the same girl he had been with 3 years before. That woman told us that she had been with him all these years and that they never separated and now she was pregnant and that he also lied to her and made her believe he was only with her and she never imagined we had gone back or were even engaged. He had been cheating on me all these years and during our engagement and now one day before my wedding I find out she was pregnant.
We cancelled the wedding and I felt I was living a nightmare. Everyone in our families was also sad and cried with me. I still wanted to be with him and a month passed and I begged him to stay with me and for us to move in together and give it a try that I was willing to accept him and the other woman's baby.
He then confessed the problem was that either way he was confused about his feelings toward her and me. He wanted to be with her and have a family. I begged and cried for him to not leave me. He then confessed that she was not pregnant, that they had planned it all to help cancel the wedding but that she didn't know he was with me all this time that he lied to her but still she decided to help him cancel our wedding.
He told me that to stay away from him but I told him that made me happy to know she was not pregnant because we could be together and he didn't have strings attached to her. He insisted for me to stay away and let him be with the other woman but I convinced him to move in with me in our new apartment that we had just leased when we were about to get married.
He told me that he felt sorry for me and was only going to give us 6 months before he made up his mind whether to finally leave me and be with the other person or to marry me after those 6 months depending on how he felt then. So we didn't get married and that other woman wasn't pregnant so we moved in together.
Things were great between us and I felt he loved me and I was moving on, forgetting about what had happened. He asked me to marry him and 8 months passed and never did we bring up the subject about the past. We both felt we belonged together and got officially married by law.
Three days after the wedding I listened to his voicemail and heard a message from a woman and I asked him about it and he denied it. I returned the call when he wasn't around and she confessed the truth that he had been with her these past months and he told her he was going to leave me. I told her we just got married officially and that wasn't true because he never mentioned anything about us not being together but the opposite that now we were even thinking about having children.
She said she didn't know we were married, that he lied to her once again telling her we were getting separated. He admitted the truth when I asked him and I told him I was leaving him since he had been cheating on me again. He cried and begged me not to leave him he said he couldn't live without me and I'm the one he loves and wants to spent the rest of his live with.
I decided to stay.
I told him I wanted us to go back the way things were and continue with our plans to have a baby but he doesn't want to until I stop crying and show him that I'm happy. Every now and then I get sad and cry. I even wanted to kill myself because I think about all the things the woman told me about them together and their intimacy.
I told him that I think a baby would bring us closer and make me happy. When we have sexual relations and he pulls back to not let his semen go inside of me, I cry after we finish and I tell him it hurts to see that he doesn't want to conceive like we had planned and he says he wants me to stop crying.
That was our routine until now that I decided just not to have an intimate relationship with him because every time we finish I end up feeling like he doesn't want me anymore or he is thinking about her because he doesn't climax inside of me. I'm afraid for him to see me cry so we decided to stop the intercourse.
My question to you Dr. Love is that I don't understand why I feel this way after we have relations.?
I cry when he pulls out and why I feel I want a baby so bad to help save our marriage and make me happy because I don't feel he loves me and I feel that by us conceiving will prove to me that he does love me and it will help me forget what he did to me.
He tells me that he was ready before to have a baby but not anymore until he sees that I don't cry but I cry because I see he doesn't want to have a baby anymore. I'm afraid that this relationship is going to end in a divorce because he is getting tired of seeing me sad and crying. What can we do? Is there anything wrong with me or him? Please help me.
What's wrong here is that you allow yourself to be mistreated again and again.
I notice that your entire life with him revolves around fooling yourself into believing that this time it's going to better or different. But a leopard never changes his spots. This man isn't capable of fidelity or commitment.
Now you have yourself convinced that a baby is going to prove he loves you and cement your relationship. I don't care if you have 1000 babies, that's not going to change the basic problem. This man isn't capable of committing.
The real problem here isn't him. It's you. You need to figure out why you keep coming back for more and more abuse. It's as if you are compulsively driven to replay the same dance over and over again. The melody that accompanies the dance sounds like: I'm going to get him to prove that he loves me not her.
Think about when you first struggled to have someone prove that you were loved more than someone else. I suspect that you experienced this struggle as a kid. Perhaps you felt that mom or dad loved your brother or your sister more than you? Or perhaps dad paid all his attention to mom (or mom paid all her attention to you) and you always yearned to get them to pay attention to you and love you.
Please believe me, your pain over your husband's lack of love isn't going to be solved by having a baby. A baby won't prove to you that he loves you. All that will end up happening is that he'll cheat on you again, and you'll end up feeling even more alone and abandoned as well as be saddled with the burden of a child. You don't want to bring a child into this mess.
Face the facts: Your husband is just going to re-injure you again and again. He isn't going to make the pain go away. He just wounds you deeper and deeper. What you need to do is heal the child in yourself.
Find out where your pain began. I gave you two clues to follow. Then grieve, rage, and heal the little girl inside yourself. Ideally, you should join a therapy group where you will have a place to heal these wounds in a safe environment.
You need to feel loved and special. A good therapist and the right therapeutic environment is where this is going to happen.
Let me know how you do.
"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage, Dr. Turndorf’s conflict resolution program is for you."
-- John Gray,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
"Let me tell you why you're extremely important now. I really believe your message is there. You're spot on. More and more people should be taking advantage of what you're offering."
-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show