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All Messed Up
October 26, 1998 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
You may think I'm rather'messed up' with these questions, but here it goes.
I am a 31 year old male and have been dating the same woman for over a year now. With very few exceptions, it may take me 30 minutes to an hour of intercourse before I reach an orgasm. And, I'm usually not as hard as my girlfriend believes that I should be. She's convinced that I am thinking to much - not letting go. Once we begin intercourse, I become harder. But, at times, it just goes away. I sometimes think that its because I used to masturbate a lot and still do from time to time. This is a long distance relationship, so she'helps' me over the phone sometimes.
I also have a hard time having an orgasm during oral sex (never have). She thinks that is for the same reason.
After the'first round', something strange happens. After only 5 or 10 minutes of rest, I can become hard again, usually harder than I was the first time. I can seem to have intercourse for hours and not reach orgasm. At times, I feel like I am having one and it is really intense, but I don't 'cum'. That one stumps me. I just don't get it. My girlfirend doesn't believe that I can have an orgasm and not cum. I'm not sure what to make of it all.
Thanks for any help,
All Messed Up
You aren't all messed up at all. But, believing that you are is really messing up your head--and I do mean your little head. In other words, worrying about whether there is something wrong with you, is enough to blow your entire show.
Here's why: In order to become fully aroused, a person must be in a relaxed state (this is called the parasympathetic mode). In this parasympathetic mode, blood vessels distend, which allows the penis to become fully engorged with blood. If there is the slightest worry, blood vessels constrict and the blood can't flow fully into the penis, which makes it impossible to achieve a fully'locked' erection. Signs of an incompletely locked erection are a penis that isn't completely hard, and/or difficulty sustaining the erection. Remember, worry alone is sufficient to cause this'plumbing malfunction.'
A man also needs to be relaxed to achieve an orgasm. So, as you can see, the fact that it takes an hour for you to finally orgasm, is fully understandable, given that you aren't relaxed in bed.
Regarding your next question--why you are able to get harder the second time around. This also makes complete sense. After you have finished the first round of intercourse, you have a little confidence under your belt--no pun intended. So, the second time around, you don't worry as much, which means that your body relaxes, and you become harder than the first time.
And, regarding your final question--why you feel like you're having an orgasm, but never ejaculate during your'second inning.' This is also normal. After a man ejaculates, his body needs time to reload--meaning, the body needs a rest period before another ejaculation can occur (called the'refractory period'). The length of the refractory period varies according to many factors--age, health, etc.. Very young men may only require a ten minute rest period between ejaculations. Whereas older men may require an hour, several hours, a day or even several days in order to be capable of ejaculating again.
Note that a man can still achieve an erection even though his body isn't ready to ejaculate again. And, this is what is happening to you. You become hard, have intercourse a second time, and you even have orgasms, but you don't ejaculate, because your body is in the refractory period. So, your girlfriend may not believe that you can orgasm without ejaculation, but, in fact, men can and do, especially during their'refractory periods.'
There is one thing more thing I need to tell you. It feels like you and your girlfriend are scrutizing your penis under a microscope. No wonder you are suffering performance anxiety. In fact, I'm surprised you can get hard or orgasm at all.
I want you and your girlfriend to stop putting your penis on trial. You are absolutely normal and fine. And, if you both stop all this pressuring, you will relax, become harder and even orgasm more quickly. And, when this happens, I don't want to see your girlfriend point the finger at your penis and tell it,'you are coming too fast!'
Relax and enjoy. You are fine.
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"Dr. Turndorf's eternal love story powerfully proves that our loved ones in spirit are waiting for us to reconnect with them! Read this amazing book and discover her new dialoguing technique, which enables you to reconnect and turn grief into peace and joy."
-- Mira Kelley,
Bestselling author of Beyond Past Lives
“I found the book very helpful in guiding people to learn how to tune into spirit messages, and particularly liked Dr. Turndorf's guidance through meditations. In Parts two and three, Dr. Turndorf covered so many of the ways that spirits convey messages and this book will be a great help for people trying to get in touch with their loved ones.
Part 1 was her story of losing the love of her life. Reading about the pain and agony she experienced and SO MANY people experience will be healing to know that others experience the same emotions after the passing of a loved one. I think the first part could be a book on it's own merit because it is so beneficial to people dealing with the same intensity of grief.
As a scientist myself, I was glad to read that she didn't focus on a religion. As a medium, I have come to know that "god" not of a religion, but is the consciousness of all living things. Like Dr. Turndorf I've learned that all people are equal and all creatures part of all existence (and with "souls.").
I particularly enjoyed reading how she used her talent/mediumship to help people overcome their grief. Readers will get a lot out of this book and know that their loved ones are always connected.”
-- Rob Gutro,
Author, Medium, Scientist
“I could not put this book down!!! It is so gripping from the first few words, and beautifully written. Dr. Turndorf’s courageous story of her reunion with her beloved husband after his death and the heartfelt stories of others serve to validate what many may have privately experienced but discounted as just a by-product of grief and loss and not really “REAL.” The book’s simple and powerful techniques provide essential tools for connecting to loved ones in spirit and will allow scientists to amass new data from lay people, other than mediums. Your book will make a profound contribution to the now significant scientific data already collected in laboratories around the world studying survival of individual consciousness after death, while adding richly to our own sense of love and peace. Thank you for the Gift!”
-- Linda G. Russek, Ph.D,
Former Co-Founder and Co-Director of the Human Energy Systems Laboratory, U of Arizona, Co-author of The Living Energy Universe
“This is the most beautiful true love story that I have ever read. The depth of the author's love for her husband and her terrible grief at his death, and then her triumph as she learned to continue her relationship with him even after his death are all palpable. I lived it with her, and her story has stayed in my mind. For me, though, the reason to read this book is the author's wisdom in teaching her readers how to heal rifts across the death boundary.
As one who has done extensive afterlife research, I can attest to the importance of post-death healing of relationships to both our dead loved ones and ourselves! Yet few people know how essential this healing is, and fewer still know how to begin it. As a prominent relationship counselor, Dr. Turndorf tackles this essential area, and she does it well. Hers is a wonderful book.”
-- Roberta Grimes,
author of The Fun of Dying: Find Out What Really Happens Next and The Fun of Staying in Touch
"Exceptionally well written from beginning to end, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased is as informed and informative as it is inspired and inspiring. Especially recommended to the attention of anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one."
Midwest Book Review
“Love Never Dies is an astonishing and refreshing story of survival of consciousness. She clearly shows the many ways spirit can communicate through us and with animals and even objects. I could hardly put the book down, and I have read many of these types of books. This is a great read for those who have lost a loved one and are looking for answers to the ways spirit makes contact with us, and also how we can contact spirit to make peace. I highly recommend this book.”
-- Dave Campbell,
Certified Windbridge Research Medium (WCRM)
“When I held this 248 page spiritual giant in my hands, even before I started turning the pages I knew I had found a special guide that would help me through one of the hardest journeys I have taken. To love so deeply and completely and then to have the person removed from my physical life is hard enough, but then to find a way to stay connected with them is even more frustrating.
So it was totally Heaven sent when I was asked to review this gentle messenger that helped me to stay connected, to recognize the connection and to even validate the connection.
I also loved the way the author shared on such a deep and personal level it helped me to not feel alone and gave me courage to bypass my mind. I would recommend this sweet giant to anyone who feels the loss of a loved one. Thanks so much Jamie for the awesome blueprint. “
-- Riki Frahmann,
Chief Reviewer for the ezine Mystic Living Today
"As a colleague of both Jamie and Jean, I have been blessed with firsthand witness to their devotion and mutual love, in life and now through death. In her eloquently written new book, Dr. Turndorf has made their everlasting love accessible to all. Just as the uniqueness of their emotional connection radiated to me, it will radiate to you, the reader, in this groundbreaking work that will guide you to reestablish your relationships with loved ones in spirit... and even make peace, if needed."
-- Dr. Robert S. Pepper,
author Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy
"In her book, Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased, Turndorf teaches a method for dialoguing with the departed which holds tremendous healing potential for everyone who has lost a loved one. Turndorf is passionate in her certainty that we can actually communicate with those we’ve lost. Since reading Love Never Dies (which describes the dialogue process in great detail) I’ve used Turndorf’s technique and it has opened life-changing doors for me. It’s a powerful process, and I encourage everyone who feels ready to try it."
-- Ken Page,
L.C.S.W. from "A Life-Changing Exercise for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One" published in Psychology Today
"I just finished reading Dr. Turndorf's most recent book, LOVE NEVER DIES, and I highly recommend it for everyone who wants to connect with a loved one who has passed on to the Spirit Realm. This book tells the heartfelt story of the author’s tragic loss of her husband and his subsequent messages to her from beyond the veil, and it outlines the steps we should take to communicate with the spirits of the people we loved on Earth."
-- Garnet Schulhauser,
author of Dancing on a Stamp and Dancing Forever with Spirit
"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."
-- Dr. John Mack,
Pulitzer Prize winning author and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“This book provides a down-to-earth, easy to apply, proven method for creating relationship harmony. This book should be mandatory reading for every couple that wants to head-off or resolve the inevitable relationship conflicts and build lasting love. Buy this book and put it to use!”
-- John Bradshaw,
Author of NY Times #1 bestseller Homecoming
"Dr. Turndorf is an amazing individual who has wonderful advice to offer men and women of all ages and in all types of relationships. Ignore her counsel at your peril!"
-- Bill Hammond III,
Winner of the Best Historical Fiction Award, 2012
"You are awesome Dr. Jamie. You really are. The best part about you is the way you translate complex psychological stuff into easy to understand and actionable insights."
-- Kajay Williams,
Producer Relationship Advice Cafe
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-- Michael Dresser,
Syndicated Radio Host
"Good stuff. Great insight. I love your approach. Who doesn't need more healing. I love your idea of using your partner as a healing agent. That's such a great way to see your partner. You give great labels and patterns to look for. I love your method. You make it sound so easy. You have a great website with lots of great information and resources. These are the tools we all need."
-- Dr. Matt Townsend,
Host, The Matt Townsend Show