- Dr. Love in the Media
30 and Clueless
February 21, 2000 Ask Dr. Love Advice Column
Dr. Love, I am almost 30 and divorced for 7 years, no kids. I've only had 2 dates in those 7 years.
My problem is that I like this man who is an acquaintence (age 32) and I'm not sure how to tell if the feeling is mutual. He is VERY NICE and VERY SHY. He has complimented me when I've gotten my hair done and remembers totally mundane details of our conversations.
I gave him a Valentine's Day card (a 'friend'card) and ever since then I've noticed he has been wearing cologne. He knows I like him (a friend of mine told him) but he doesn't know that I know about it. His behaviour went from shy to a little less shy after my friend and he had the conversation.
Should I make some sort of move? I really want to get to know him better. I'm not getting any younger! Thanks!
I love that you are asking if you should make some sort of move. Women ask me this question all the time. According to studies, women are the ones who make the first move each and every time! I call these first moves, 'Green Lights.'
Green Lights are smiles, approachable body language, eye contact, and so on. One observational research, which was conducted at a singles club, demonstrated that even the most outgoing men didn't make a move until they received several Green Lights from a woman. If outgoing men hang back until receiving sufficient Green Lights, then think about how many cues a shy man needs! Think about why men hang back. They are afraid of being rejected.
And, thanks to a woman's Green Lights, a man can be relatively certain that he won't get a pie in his face if he dares to approach her. We need to let your guy know that he won't get a pie in his face. Arrange to bump into him, start up a conversation, ask lots of questions, show interest in whatever is interesting to him, tell him what you like and admire about him. After all of this groundwork, he should feel safe enough to ask you out.
If he still doesn't take the bait, then you can always tell him that you'd like to know him better. How about having a drink sometime? You may not need to take this final step, if you get your Green Lights cranking.
Let me know how you make out with him. He likes you for sure, he just need that little extra encouragement to go to the next level with you.
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